Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I must spend time being still

Last Thursday I found out that my job is going to be downsized. That in a few months I will no longer be needed. No, that's not right. I guess I am really not needed now. Except for wrapping up a few projects and cleaning out my work space, what have I got to do? Which leaves lots of time to think. I have worked for this company twice now, for a total of almost 9 years. I have been there over 4 years this time. I like this company. I like my co-workers, I like my boss. I even like the CEO. How often can you say that? I guess I will find out. Maybe I will be able to say that about my next job. Maybe not. Is it as important as it once was?

I am no longer defined by my career. I did damn good work for my company. I created and taught and mentored and monitored and sold and held my tongue at times. I served on committees, brought in pot luck, attended baby showers. I made friends, I tried not to make enemies, I mended fences and, again, I held my tongue. I celebrated births of children and grandchildren. I mourned deaths of parents and young relatives. I gave a lot of myself to this company.

I am not mad, not really. I understand the direction this company is taking. I can't even call it my company any more- I don't feel as though I still work there. But I do. I have work that still must get done, despite this shadow looming over me, this constant reminder that soon I will have no where to go, that I will not be useful in a capacity that I have been useful in for so many years. But I understand. I am sure my boss was surprised and relieved by the calm manner in which I accepted his news. I am sure I made it easier for him. I didn't mean to. Now I think of things I wish I could say, but I won't. I like this company, and if their focus shifts back to a place I can understand, I might not be opposed to working there again. Then again, I might. I am not sure how I feel. It has been less than a week, so I am not sure what I am supposed to feel. I am angry, and understanding, and complacent, and confident, and sad all at once.

I have felt God's presence in my life, really felt his presence, on just a few occasions. When the last IVF treatment we tried failed, I did not sink into darkness like I did the time before. I had changed my thinking between the treatments. Changed from "please let this work", to "please let me be ok if it doesn't work." And I was ok. I felt this same sense of calm. And this same sadness, but overall, a calm that everything was going to be ok. And it was. We changed direction and now we have our beautiful little boy. I felt this same presence when I was given the news last week. It has not been easy, and I know the next few months will be a roller coaster of emotions, up one day and down the next. But I feel as though this has happened for a reason. That there is something I am supposed to do with this opportunity. A certain type of work I am to do now. Maybe it is in this field I have been in for so long. Maybe it is not. But I know I am being led, by a power greater than me, in a direction I do not even know yet. I must quiet my mind, quiet my heart, and listen. I must be careful not to be so caught up in finding work of any kind that I miss the message. I must spend time being still, in order to be busy later.

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