before I hit my desk I hit my knees, or, how I redecorated from the inside out

Sometimes you just need a change, right? I like my life to stay calm and steady, but sometimes I just need to shake things up a bit. And I've felt like that a lot lately. Just a little off. Sometimes it is so hard to just "be" in the moment. Sometimes I feel as though we have just been in this holding pattern for years. Waiting to meet my husband. Waiting to start a family. Waiting to start the adoption process. Waiting on another country to approve us as parents. Waiting on travel documents. Waiting to save money. Waiting to move. Always with the waiting. And always with the wanting. We so frequently want more, don't we? It is so hard to just take a deep breath and be present in the moment.

I try. I remind myself to turn my phone off. I leave dishes on the table so I can play with my boys after dinner. I want to enjoy the moments as they come, instead of worrying or wishing for time to speed up so I can have what I think I want. And most of the time I am somewhat successful. I really do enjoy the little moments marching their way through my life. But sometimes I still feel unsettled.

So lately I have not been as happy as I should be. I have a job that allows me to work and still be the mom I want to be. (As a side note, kudos to Julia from my favorite TV show Parenthood for walking away from something she thought she always wanted, a partnership in her law firm, to be the mom she knows her two kids, one recently adopted, needs.) My husband has a contract position while he job hunts, so he is working also. Our boys are healthy and happy. We are settling in as a family and getting through the attachment and behavior challenges. While our house may not be perfect it is a warm and inviting home. We belong to a great church and can afford to pay for a private christian education for my oldest son. Even when we have everything we need sometimes we want more, don't we? Well here is where my advanced 42 years have helped me.

I have learned to listen to these unsettled whispers. I have learned to make small changes that have big impact. This time, when those feelings started to creep back in, I quieted my heart and listened.  And I made a few small changes that have had a dramatic impact on my life. The first thing I did was remind myself to return to the basics. I had settled into a morning routine of dropping off the boys at school and then heading home to work. Nowhere in my morning could I be found. And more importantly, nowhere in my morning could God be found. Assuring that I take the time every day for prayer and reflection assures that I start my day the way God intended. First moments for God, right? Those moments when the house is quiet and all three of my boys are sleeping- that's my favorite time of day and my best time for reflection. And if I just can't drag myself out of bed on time then I take my moments with God after dropping off the boys. Either way, before I hit my desk in the morning I hit my knees, so to speak. And after I do, I always wonder why I let myself drop this very important habit.

So small change number one- very important. Potentially life changing. Small change number two, not so much. But it made me feel great all the same. Are you ready? Here's the secret. I put a few of my lights on timers and replaced a few old fashioned candles with battery operated ones, also with timers. When I walk downstairs in the morning to pray and make breakfast for my boys, I am greeted by the old accent lamp on the side table in the hallway by the kitchen. This lamp turns on with a switch on the cord, and because of the placement of the table and the cord I rarely turned it on. I would have to pull the table a few inches from the wall, pull up the cord and flip the switch. Then repeat it all to turn it off. Now it is on a timer and twice a day it magically turns itself on. I am greeted by it's warm glow when I come down the stairs every morning. Later, as we are all returning home from our busy days out in the harsh world, it greets us again. When my husband walks in the door in the evening, usually after the rest of us get home, he walks into a softly lit entryway.

If you haven't seen a battery powered candle lately check them out again. They are amazing! They look and smell like the real thing, even casting a moving shadow. They come with a built in timer as well, so they turn themselves on every evening. Now our mantle is glowing every evening, and my kitchen counter is cozier. When the boys head upstairs to bed a pillar candle lights their hallway. I have at least six of these flame less candles throughout my home. Both my husband and I love candles and used to burn them all the time. But with the boys, and their strong desire to blow them out, and their toys flying through the air at times, it just isn't as safe as it used to be. I will still light a candle at dinner or after the boys go to bed, but we were missing the warmth and peace a glowing candle provides. let's face it- it's hard to yell at your kids with the lights down and a candle burning.

My restlessness has passed. I am back on track and feeling centered and full of grace. I start my day with the light of God and assure that my family ends their day with peace and warmth. Kind of like decorating from the inside out. From working on my heart to working on my home, I am doing things to make me a calmer person, a happier mother, and a willing home maker.

every day married is better than any day alone

Marriage is hard. Well, a good marriage is hard. And a good marriage is what we all want, right? It’s what I want. It’s what my husband would say he wanted, if I asked him. Actually, his answer would probably be more like, “We have a good marriage, stop over thinking everything!” But us girls, we know the truth. Marriage . Is. Hard. It is oh my god did I just see you throw your dirty underwear on the floor not two minutes after you watched me pick up every article of clothing off the floor hard. It is really, you’re just going to leave that mess on the kitchen counter when the wipes are right there hard. It is why can’t you put the kids to bed on time so I don’t have to deal with cranky little ones in the morning which makes us crazy and late but you wouldn’t know because you leave before you witness our morning chaos hard. It is did you not see that I was watching that, you can’t just change the channel without asking me hard.

It’s hard enough when it’s just two people in love. Toss in in-laws, careers, bosses, kids, all those times we say “yes”- it’s always for the kids, isn’t it? Yes! I’ll sit on your board! Yes! I’ll join your PTO! Yes! I’ll work in the church nursery! Yes! I’ll work vacation bible school! Yes! I’ll help, I’ll decorate, I’ll make phone calls, I’ll take notes. Yes, yes, yes… But we do it all because we want to do it all, and because every bit of it is important. If I don’t sit on that board my voice won’t be heard. If I don’t join the PTO I won’t know what is happening at the school that is powered by volunteers. If I don’t work in the church nursery every so often then I am not showing my children God’s love, especially since I used that nursery for years.  So I say yes not just because it’s the right thing to do, but because it’s what I want to do. I have spent years picturing my life as a mother. The mother I saw in my mind was involved in her children’s lives, she knew everything that was going on with them, she drove them to school and sports, and music lessons. I always wanted to be the soccer mom. And now I am. J

My version of a soccer mom doesn’t drive a minivan, I drive a small SUV. And in my wildest dreams I never would have thought that one day I would be driving that small SUV to monster truck shows, China school, and Russian festivals. In my earlier dreams my hair was always done, my lip gloss always on, and my underwear always matched my bra. Now I can never find my lip gloss, and I have found that my hair looks much more acceptable at 5:30 in the morning than you would think. And don’t get me started on anything matching… But I have it all because of my  marriage and my sweet husband.

 

As I sit here writing this I can hear all three of my boys struggling downstairs. I can hear the frustration mounting in my husband’s voice. And I think about the decision we made sometime last year that we would hold each other accountable when we got too upset with the boys. When they push us to that point where we want to yell, we would step in and hold each other up. And I am sitting here weighing the options. Do I call my sweet husband and remind him of this decision, which will surely push his frustration from the boys to me? Do I let the three of them figure it out on their own? Do I like it when he steps in to help me when I am frustrated? Yes, marriage is hard.

 

I am thinking about all of this because our 10^thwedding anniversary is coming up this week. Ten years! I have been attached to my husband in some way for the past 13 years. I can barely remember my life before him. He is a part of me, and I could not live without him. Which is a sentiment I have thought of millions of times this past year. Any issues we may have had in our marriage prior to May 2011 were nothing. Nothing. I could tackle those tiny problems with one hand tied behind my back. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that the addition of one child into our little family would cause such ripples of intense feelings, both good and bad.

So yes, our ninth year of marriage was not as easy as our previous eight had been. We argued a little more, we snipped at each other a little more, we occasionally forgot that we are supposed to treat each other better than we treat anyone else. We were a little more sensitive than we needed to be, and we allowed something small to escalate into something big on more than one occasion.

 

Ten years ago I made the commitment to walk through this life with my sweet husband. I have learned a lot in those years. I have learned that even the one who loves you the most in this world will, sometimes, hurt your feelings. I have learned that no matter how angry I get at him I still miss him when he is away from me for too long. I have learned that while he may not notice the little things he will be there for me for the big ones. I have learned that being a Godly wife and mother is a daily struggle but one that I want to continue to strive to achieve. I have learned that nothing that happens outside the home is more important that what happens inside. I have learned about rock music, football, and finances. I have marveled at how someone can wear jeans and a sweatshirt in August. I have learned to let go, to forgive, and to ask for help. I have learned what love really means, and for that I am grateful. I could not be the woman I am today without the man who stands up and leads this family. 

In ten years we have walked through a life of happiness and sorrow. We felt the pain of miscarriages and the struggle of conceiving a family.  He held me night after night after I sat, day after day, by my mother’s bedside in the ICU and he stood up beside me during her funeral, taking over all child care duties and just being there, totally, for me. He kept me sane as we travelled to China and Russia to meet our boys for the first time, and he made me feel as though I could conquer anything as I travelled home from Russia, alone with a new baby son. We have walked together through three job losses and two moves.

Yes, marriage is hard. Our journey will continue, through more happiness and sorrow. Just like our boys, we will continue to grow and change. And I will continue to strive every day to be a Godly wife and mother. Some days will be easier than others, sure. But every day married to my sweet husband is better than any day alone. Happy anniversary to us!

September 14, 2002....