The Back to School Countdown Is On!

The countdown to the first day of school is on in our home. Next week we have parent's nights at both the private Christian school where my super six year old will head back to first grade and at the special needs preschool where my persevering preschooler will have another go at a classroom setting. The Monday after that we begin hot breakfasts at the table, back packs loaded up, school drop offs and school buses. We haven't ventured out to purchase the school supplies yet but we are stocked up on uniforms and new shoes. And each boy has carefully selected his backpack. Just walking by the front door and seeing the bags hanging at the ready makes me happily anticipate Fall. Apple picking, high school football games, school projects. Love love love it.



I love the stick on hooks- the boys can keep their bags off the floor and I don't have to constantly remind them- win!

 

 A new school year seems like the perfect time to upgrade our chore/reward system. For the past year we have been playing around with a few different systems, trying to find the one that works for us. We tried check off sheets and token systems and we liked both, but they were often difficult to use and required a lot of hands on attention from Mom and Dad. All of our trial and error has also shown us that our persevering preschooler needs colorful charts and the ability to "do it himself". Always with the "I do it myself!" So I sat the boys down and asked them what they wanted. The super six year old did all of the talking and a new chore/reward system was born. His "demands":

 

• monster trucks MUST be involved
• rewards should be paid out weekly and no IOU's. (We were terrible about actually having the offered "reward" available when earned.)

Sounds easy enough. So we got to work. First I searched online for monster truck and fire truck clip art. I added these to a Word document so that I could print out six trucks on one page. I also printed out a monster truck stadium and a fire station. I created a "title" for each boy- the super six year old came up with these as well: "CRUSH YOUR CHORES!" for his monster truck theme and "FIRED UP TO HELP!" for his little brother. One quick trip to the copy store to laminate it all, a few Velcro dots and scrap book paper, and our new system was ready for use.

 



 

I decided to go with one day at a time instead of weekly in order to make it easier  for my youngest to understand. This way I can tailor the responsibilities to what is going on each day, which allows us to be more flexible. I simply write the chore on the truck and place it on the "TODAY" sheet. (Each truck is connected with Velcro to the daily chart.) Once the task is complete each boy just moves his truck to either the monster truck stadium or the fire station. Simple!

 

Some tasks are done because we are a family and everyone chips in to keep our home and lives running smoothly. Some tasks are done to earn money, which is a HUGE incentive for my six year old. If a task can earn money, the amount it is worth is written on the truck. (All of our current tasks are worth either .25 or .50.) At the end of the day I remove all of the trucks, but leave the ones with money attached. On Saturday the boys will get paid for the trucks "parked" that have collected all week. With only one task a day capable of earning money, we shouldn't be shelling out too much each week, but enough to make it feel super special to the boys.

 

I use a washable pen to write the chores on the trucks- this makes it easy to wipe them off and use again. With my youngster's propensity for tearing paper during meltdowns, I didn't want to go too fancy. Some of their daily chores include putting their dishes in the sink, cleaning up after their snacks, picking up their toys, completing a daily act of kindness, brushing teeth, (for the oldest), and using the potty, (for the youngest). Other chores, like cleaning out the car, pulling weeds, running the sweeper, cleaning out their bathroom sink, will earn them money money money!

 

 





 

So back packs are hung at the ready and chore charts are in use and working marvelously. (This morning I was wrestling with my youngest to get him dressed when I suddenly said, "Hey! Let's get dressed so you can move your truck!" He raced out of his jammies and into his his shorts in no time, all with a huge smile on his face. Good thing he can't read yet- the truck he parked in his station said "dishes to sink". Shhhh.) Our back to school dinner party is being planned - we are on our way to another great school year!



can't change the players, so change the game. my new household management system

If you have been reading my blog for a while then you know that I have been on a quest to find the perfect home cleaning system for my family. If you are new around here, you can read about my household migraines  management attempts here.  And here.  And here.  I have yet to find the perfect system for my family, but one thing has become painfully clear. It's not the system that is the problem, it's my family. Those of you living in testosterone filled glass houses know what I am saying. Messy. Clueless. Cupboards always open. Drawers never quite closed all the way. Did I say clueless?

I have also figured something else out along the way. For about a year I have been dealing with wild mood swings. I am 42 years old and have been through two invitro fertilizations, and all that that implies. The drugs, the shots... There is one camp that says these drugs have lasting effects on our hormones, and one that says we are all crazy. (Well, the aforementioned camp does put it a little more nicely...) I firmly believe that these drugs, coupled with my age, are having an affect on my mood. But the weird moods started in Russia, when I was left all alone with my new son. So part of the issue was probably homesickness and missing my number one son. Then there was the whole post adoption depression and the year of attachment behavior issues. There was my leaving corporate America and my husband losing his job. So really, who knows which of the about a million reasons was responsible for my anguish. But I figured it out. Just the other day, it hit me.

I was watching my sweet husband steam mop the kitchen floor and I suddenly realized how relaxed I was. How peaceful. How, dare I say, happy. And I knew. My mood is directly linked to the cleanliness of my kitchen floor.

So great. Now I know. But here's where the other shoe drops. Hormones I can see a doctor for. Getting help from my family to keep our home clean? Not so easy. I have made lists, but no one reads them. (To their credit, only 1.5 of them can really read.) I have posted small lists in each room. I have made hand written lists every day. I have texted and emailed lists. nothing. works. at. all. nothing. I have asked nicely. I have asked sarcastically. I have cried. I have had total melt downs. And I repeat. nothing. works. at. all. sigh.

Figuring out an answer to this problem is important to me. I feel that it is my responsibility to provide a calm and peaceful atmosphere to all those who enter our home. I make sure the entry way lights are on before my husband walks through the door after work. I keep the flame less candles burning on the mantle in the evening, helping to set a calm tone for  before bedtime play. I play quiet music during dinner. Mother of boys, we know the secret. We must let them run and jump and scream and be joyful and messy, but we also must help them find ways to slow down and find their peaceful inner selves. And that goes for myself and my sweet husband as well. We are calmer when the house is pulled together. We are more at peace with each other when we can relax and be together without total chaos going on around us. So believe me when I say that I can't truly emphasis how important this is to me.


I have tried every system I can find, and created a few of my own. And each and every one of them would work  if it were just me. But it's not just me and I have to face the fact that I live with boys. (Does that line remind anyone else of Friends?  Sometimes I feel like crying just like Monica did at the thought  of moving in with a dreaded boy.) But I knew I couldn't keep banging my head against the wall. And I knew that it was my place to teach at least two of my three boys how to be responsible and organized, and, well, clean. I also know that it is just easier if I do everything myself. But here's the thing - I work full time too. I do the laundry and the cooking and the shopping. I manage our schedules and provide a large amount of the taxi driving for the boys. My sweet husband works full time. And then he works some more. And then some more. He takes care of the yard. He does at least 80% of the boys' baths and some of the errands. He is busy too. But at 9:00 at night, after the boys are in bed and the house is quiet, I do not want to be cleaning. To me, that is unacceptable.

Before I quit my job, when Alex first came home, we had help with cleaning our house.  With someone coming in every two weeks to totally clean the entire house I was easily able to keep up with the day to day stuff. And I didn't need any help from my family. But those days are over and now we have two boys and  I need help. I still have my household management binder and I still follow flylady. But that is just for me- I can't expect my boys to have a clue about any of that. So I moved my system to a location they can't miss and I simplified it.

For $15.00 I purchased clear plastic magnetic photo holders- I love these photo holders because they lay very flat on the side of the fridge, which is great for a small space. Six of these fit the space on the side of my fridge nicely. The top row shows our tasks for the day, week, and month.  The bottom row shows my boys helping my family lists. I think it is important to not call these chores. No one likes to do chores. But every child needs to learn the importance of helping his or her family.

The bottom middle photo  holder holds our family fun. This is the list of family activities we plan to do each month or season. I started this a few years back because I found we were missing seasonal activities that we really would have enjoyed. I used to tape this list to my kitchen cupboard but now it has found a home on my household management wall.

A colorful dry erase marker works well to mark off the tasks as they are completed and the frames wipe clean with a damp cloth.  Your lists will be your lists, of course, suited to your family's needs. Check out my lists here. This system is so simple and so easy to make changes to your lists!

Now for the million dollar question. Is it working? Well, we have been using it for about a week, maybe two. And I have been diligent and vocal in checking off the tasks. My sons have jumped on board and are thrilled to be checking items off their list. Their shoes are almost always in the shoe bin by the front door. The big five year old's bed is almost always made. They both LOVE scrubbing their assigned sinks and they fight over the dry erase marker when it's time to check the list. My sweet husband? Not so much, yet. But he is hearing me talk about the lists, he is watching me check items off. The day will come, I know, that he will walk up to the lists, pick a task, and complete it. Just like life, this is a work in progress. But unlike other systems, this one is visable, easily changed, and provides much needed motivation for at least two of my three boys. It's a start...

six weeks of positive parenting

 My husband and I are slowly making our way through the Positive Parenting Solutions online classes. The other day we took the class explaining the "Competent Giant". I love my kids and try not to outright scream at them, but, if truth be told, I have been known to explode now and then. This past year with our tiny toddler has taught us all about the art of the tag team. If my husband senses that I am about to lose it he tags me out and takes over. And I have rescued our big five year old from him a time or two. But after watching what a parent's tirade must look and feel like to a child, I think it will be a long time before I do it again. Hopefully I can remember how it made it feel for a very long time. I know everyone loses it with their kids from time to time, and we all know we shouldn't do it. We all know it is bad for our kids. But seeing it in action really struck a chord with me. So, another thing I have learned from Positive Parenting Solutions that I suppose I should have already known but needed someone else to point out to me. But my kids win, so it's all good.

The next class we took was all about using our "calm voice". Now, this sounds super easy, right? Don't yell at your kids and they will be happier. But here's the thing people. Not yelling at your kids isn't enough. You need to maintain a calm voice while interacting with them. Not yelling, I can do. Always using a calm voice- not as easy as it sounds. I have only been trying to do this for a few days and I can tell you it is not easy. I have found myself raising my voice to be heard. I have heard the sarcasm or sharp note in my words. Tonight at the dinner table I was working with Alex on something, who knows what, eating with utensils instead of his fingers, not purposely dropping food on the floor.... shudder.... Anyways, whatever was happening was upsetting to me and I spoke, calmly. Which didn't stop the behavior and so I spoke again, not so calmly. I then took a deep breath, looked across the table at my husband, who was smiling at me because he knows that using a calm voice all the time cannot be easy for me, and tried again, in a calm voice. This one is not going to be so easy!

Now for the good news. I have been having my big five year old help out around the house for a while now. We never called them chores and we don't pay him for them, at least not yet. But he does have "jobs". He is responsible for putting the clean silverware away after the dishwasher finishes it cycle. He makes his own bed, most of the time. He picks up most of his toys, usually. So I have switched to calling this "help the family". I had already been talking to him for about a year now about what it means to be a part of a family, and so I am hoping that this little Positive Parenting Solutions inspired change in wording will help him to truly understand what I have been saying. And the tiny toddler does his share of helping too- he occasionally will put the place mats on the table for me at meal time and he loves to run the sweeper, although he often only sweeps the same area repeatedly. But that little spot has never looked better!

I have also added a new job for both of boys- carrying their own laundry up the stairs. Why have I not thought of this before? I found two small plastic bins with easy to grasp handles and when I fold the laundry, which is done in the living room, I now just pop their clothes into their respective baskets.  Each boy is now responsible for carrying their own basket up to their rooms and the big five year old knows he now needs to put his own clothes away. We tried it for the first time last night and the tiny toddler grabbed his basket and toddled up the stairs, which, at times, was super scary because he could barely lift the tiny basket up onto each step and a few times he looked like he was going to fall backwards down the stairs. So scary, in fact, that I offered to help him, but he pushed me away saying, "Me do! Me do it!" And he did it. And then he raced back down the stairs on his tummy, his mode of stair transportation if he is in a really big hurry, and proudly accepted high fives from everyone. He was positively beaming! Seriously, I don't know why I haven't thought about this sooner- why have I been lugging their clothes up the stairs every day? Big change!

So, six weeks into my Positive Parenting journey and here is what I have learned:

• MZW & Mommy time starts our day off on a great note and makes our mornings run much more smoothly, but no amount of MZW & Mommy time is enough for MZW. He simply cannot fulfill his need for me. Which I love, of course. But it does make it hard for me to get anything done or to have any time for myself. But I can do all that stuff when he's grown, right?
• Using a calm voice all the time is going to be very hard for me.
• I need to allow my boys to help out more around the house and not get upset when whatever they've done isn't perfect. If my big five year old is getting dressed from his little laundry basket because he didn't put his clothes away, I need to be OK with that. 
• Using less consequences is a good thing!
• We have only had to use "time out" once, the other day, with the tiny toddler.Once, in weeks!
• Reminding my big five year old to use his "regular voice" instead of whining is working. slowly. 
• Patience. Sigh. 

My boys were already on the right path; adding in these Positive parenting approaches is just helping to assure they stay on that path. We are on our way to raising confident, happy, and compassionate children and we know this takes more than us. Our church, our schools, our China group friends and our extended family are all in the mix of what influences our boys. And now, so is Positive Parenting!