From Birth Mothers to Bullying- the boy is doing just fine

"Daddy is not answering his phone.", I said to my super six year old, as we sat snuggled together in the restaurant booth, waiting for our dinners to arrive. "Keep calling, Mommy. You must persevere!" Persevere? My super six year knows the word "persevere"? After grilling him for the definition, it turns out, he does.

Learning that my oldest son has a vocabulary even larger than I thought was not the only thing I learned yesterday. Apparently my young man knows this word because it is one of the awards given out monthly in Chapel in his school. I just found out about these awards last week and am still a little sketchy on them. I hear there is an award for "Honesty", and now one for "Perseverance". What I do know is that my guy has not been awarded one of these yet, and he really, really, really wants one. At his age, and knowing his temperament, I doubt he wants one for the meaning behind it as much as for the idea of "winning". My super six year old loves to win. But what a great thing to win at, right? I learned about this at 7:00pm last night, after spending the entire day playing at COSI.

The morning started with a trip to the pediatrician for my son's six year old well check up. There I learned something I had been suspecting for quite a while. My young son can act calmly in that doctor's office. I was beginning to wonder. He questioned the nurse, "Am I going to get any shots today?" She wasn't sure. He questioned the doctor, who confirmed that, no, he would not be getting any shots. He had been questioning me for two days. He immediately stopped wiggling and grabbing for items in the drawers under the exam table. He let his strong body melt into the table, stretched out long, and began to play his DS while he sang to himself. (Smashmouth!) I could actually talk to the doctor! I could think about my answers! I could stop being that frazzled mother who has to keep one eye, and both hands, on her child at all times! Yesterday morning I learned that when my son has the information he needs he can be a calm little guy. And yes, I already knew this, but it was a great reminder.

I learned that my super six year is maturing in ways that make me proud. While we waited for nearly two hours to get into COSI - ALWAYS BUY YOUR TICKETS ONLINE DURING SPRING BREAK PEOPLE!- I allowed my boy to wander off to the nearby hands on exhibits. I could always see him, and he came back to me every time I called his name. "Such a patient boy you have there!", exclaimed a grandmother waiting in line behind me. "Not usually", I thought. But maybe, just maybe, he is learning this. Patient and a good listener. Who knew.

I watched my son share the small rubber balls in one of the Space exhibits with a little girl. He had watched her be denied a ball by the boy on the other side of the exhibit and when she showed up at his side he didn't need me to remind him to be a gentleman. He willingly gave her a ball. And when the little boy on the other side tried to take it back, my young man grabbed it first, saying, "This ball is hers", and handed it to the girl. He shared, and more importantly,  he stood up for what he knew to be right. He did not let that little boy do what stands for bullying in the kindergarten set. And I learned that my super six year old is on his way to becoming a man.

I learned that my guy knows A LOT about space. He had his facts right and was able to hold a conversation with a much older boy about planets while waiting in line to see the space capsule. He taught a younger girl about how the earth moves around the sun, using his hands and a ball to further explain. He is an educator, this boy.

I watched my super six year old take command of a group of children, both older and younger than he, to run the mini land rover and cranes. He gave direction to everyone, making sure every child knew their instructions before starting the mission. He is a leader, this boy.

We played together in the Ocean exhibit, my son showing me how to place the water stream just right so that it would intersect with his. His little engineering mind figured out where to place all of the water streams so that all five of them intersected. It was late in the day and we had the exhibit all to ourselves, so he had the time to really figure this out. I learned how single minded my son can be. He wasn't leaving the exhibit until he had those streams of water precisely where he wanted them.

I watched my boy play a game of checkers in the outside play area, with checker pieces bigger than his head. He bounced around the giant sized playing board, pondering his choices and making his moves. I had warned the older girl he was playing with that he may not know how to play; turns out I didn't need to do that. Sometime between the last time I played with him and yesterday he learned the rules of the game. I learned that my son frequently plays checkers with his friends at his after school program. Once again I was reminded that my super six year old has a whole life I know very little about. Again I was reminded of the importance of cementing this relationship early on in life so he will be sure to include me in his life as he grows. Just imagining what parts of his life I may not know about when he is a teenager makes me shudder!

I learned that my son is outgoing. Which, of course, I already knew. But this boy is confident. I watched as he realized he didn't have a partner for a game he wanted to play and with just a tiny nudge from me he asked the girl next to him if she would like to be his partner. There was no fear that this older girl would deny him his request. He was confident that he would not be shot down. I also learned where his head is about his birth country. He is currently in a phase where he is very proud to be Chinese. The girl he asked to play this game was also Chinese. While the girl won the game, the two of them had a very high score- higher than the other kids who had gone before them. When I pointed this out to my son he exclaimed, loudly, that it was because both he and his partner were Chinese. The girl's Chinese father hid a smile when this was pronounced. OK, still doing good with the birth country thing.

I learned that my super six year old is still not ready to discuss his birth mother. He was very interested in the display of fetus', looking at each month of pregnancy with great care. He was amazed when he realized how very small he started out. I was cautious to use the correct terms and to make sure he understood that when he was a fetus he was in his birth mother's tummy, not mine. We spent a lot of time in this exhibit but it wasn't his time to ask these questions, not yet.

I learned that my boy is all boy. He spent quite some time playing the "bodily function" organ, where each key he pressed gave us a loud sneeze, hungry rumblings, or a cough. The "vomit" key was his favorite. So much, in fact, that he continued to make the disgusting sound long after we left the exhibit.

As we finally left the museum, eight hours after arriving, we walked slowly to the car. We had parked in the farthest lot from the door, and on the way in my boy had bounced along and run ahead numerous times. Now, on the way out, he was lagging behind, his little legs tired. Despite my equally tired legs I picked up my 45 pound six year old and carried him to the car. He rested his head on my shoulder and ran his fingers up and down my back, enjoying the feel of the fabric of my coat. "I think my legs are broken.", he mumbled in my ear. I hugged him as we slowly made our way to the car. I learned that my  big six year old, the one who acted as a leader, a teacher, a protector, was still also a little boy. My little boy.

I don't often have the chance to spend an entire day, uninterrupted, with just one of my boys. We went to the museum because my son asked to go, and because it is such a great educational opportunity for him. But all those hours, alone with my oldest son, were educational for me as well. A reminder to sometimes pause and take a moment. A moment to appreciate the growth. A moment to ponder the amazing creature before you. A moment to play like a child, with your child. And a moment to carry your child in your arms again.

my two hearts

I love Pinterest! I know that everybody uses this bulletin board site differently - some use it as a dream board of sorts, some as an electronic list. I use it as a little of both. I am currently capturing ideas for our upcoming master bedroom redecoration, which is a mix of dream and reality. I also use it to store recipes, all of which I will eventually try. I use it to keep lists of books I want to read, adoption related books and items I might wish to purchase, and fun holiday themed treats and crafts for the kids. As a person who loves lists and all things organization, this website seems to have been made for me.

So I saw this on Pinterest a few months ago:

I think this is just beautiful. It shows a couples'  timeline- where they met, where they married, where they live, and love, now. I thought this could be changed up to reflect the birth countries of my boys. I chose a dark wood frame to match the decor in the dining room, which is where I decided to hang this craft project. Our dining room walls are covered with black and white photos of the boys, along with a hand painted picture of a panda that my young niece painted for my big five year old when he first came home from China. Eventually there will also be a picture or two representing Russia. And now there is this:

It still needs some work. I may replace the background paper and add a title- maybe "family" or "love". But it looks great on my dining room wall and the boys love it. The heart on the left shows Vladivostok Russia and the right reflects the  Guangdong Province of  China. Below I have written the Russian and Chinese names of my boys. I think it is beautiful!

my new adoption jewelry wish list

I have a beautiful set of pearls I brought home from China that I only wear on very special occasions. My Big Smart Five Year Old knows these pearls came from China and so every time I wear them he is so very proud. I also have a beautiful silver filigree ball shaped locket that I picked up in China - this I wear often. I used to wear it all the time, until I traveled to Russia. While there I found a lovely yellow and green pendant, so now I have two necklaces to choose from, and two boys who want me to wear "their" necklace all the time. Seriously, they both LOVE my jewelry box so much that I had to move it to the top of the high dresser just so they would leave it alone. And when they see me wearing one of my birth country necklaces they get very excited. Or a little belligerent, depending on which country I am currently supporting. It's sometimes a contest of which country is best around here, and I imagine that it will only get worse before it gets better - when the tiny toddler is old enough to understand exactly what his older brother is talking about then I fear I will be spending a lot of days sporting both necklaces.

To make the competition that much more fun I found these:

Aren't these just the coolest pendants? I can see so many uses... many of my adoptive friends have children from the same country or province- one necklace does the job. Or like in my case- I could easily wear two pendant on one chain, which would be kind of cool. And the possibilities are endless. I see these as adoption jewelry but so many important life events happen around the world- maybe you could celebrate a special trip, where you got married, where your ancestors are from. Really, I just think these necklaces are very cool. I found these on Etsy - go here. At under $11.00 per pendant this is what I am asking my boys to give me for my birthday.

Are our adopted children losing more than we think they are by losing the culture of their birth country?

About 14 months ago, after my husband and I had decided on pursuing a second international adoption but before we made our first trip to Russia, a friend of mine asked me a question that weighed on my mind for months. As an adoptive mother I am frequently asked invasive, crazy, and sometimes downright rude questions. This was not one of those kinds of questions. This was a thoughtful and simply curious question, and, to be honest, it was one I had posed to myself a few times along the adoption path. "Are you worried that your children are losing more than you think they are by losing the culture of their birth country?" In other words, which is better? Growing up in a stable, loving family or staying connected to your culture?

If you have been reading my thoughts for a while now then you know how I feel about my oldest son's potential future had he stayed in his Chinese orphanage. If you are new around here, you can read up on my epiphany here.

But just because I was confident that my oldest son's future was hopeful due solely to his leaving the orphanage didn't mean I felt like that about every orphan. Truth be told, I didn't know how I felt. I wanted to believe that internationally adopted children were better off in loving families, no matter where those families lived. But if I am being completely honest with myself I know that the real reason, the first reason, my husband and I decided on adoption was purely selfish. We wanted a family, simple as that. We were not looking to save a child. And while we planned from day one to mesh the American with the Chinese, we really weren't thinking about the effects  the loss of daily immersion in his culture would mean to our new child.

The answer to the birth county culture/forever family question is not easy. Even adult adoptees cannot agree. There are many who say that the amount of birth country culture their American adoptive parents offered was more than enough, that having loving parents and the American dream were more important. But there are other adult adoptees who feel they missed out on something very important by not having the opportunity to grow up in the country of their birth. Just like any other parenting crossroads, you just put your head down and try to do right by your kids.

But then I had the amazing experience of spending time in the orphanage of our youngest son. I saw loving caregivers. I saw worn wooden toys mixed in with newer American toys brought over by previously visiting parents to be. I saw the same worn pants and shirt on different toddlers each day. I saw little ones who were hungry. I saw different caregivers every day and children fighting over the best toys. The building my son lived in didn't reflect the beautiful architecture of his birth country. And neither did any of the gray buildings he could see from the high windows of the first floor where he lived. Eventually my precious little boy would have been moved from the baby hospital to the local orphanage, with pretty much the same view. Every day, the same. Same view, same food, same worn toys and shared clothes.

So when the birth culture question comes up now I am no longer second guessing myself. It isn't just that I want to believe it. Had my boys grown up in their birth countries they still would have grown up in an orphanage. There is no way to separate one from the other. I doubt my boys would have been able to attend concerts or go to art museums. I doubt they would have had the opportunity to travel the countryside of their respective birth countries. They wouldn't have learned what is was like to grow up in a Chinese or Russian family. They wouldn't have shopped in a grocery store or participated in cultural traditions. In fact, both of my boys probably experienced more of their birth countries after the adoption, while they traveled with us. My oldest son saw Qingping Market and The Temple of Six Banyan Trees where there are hundreds of Buddha statues. He experienced, in a very small way, a part of the rich history of his birth country. My youngest traveled with me to the baby store, the grocery store, and a local mall, experiencing, again in a very small way, a tiny bit of everyday Russian family life. Then they boarded a plane and flew across an ocean to live in America, as a part of a forever family.

Had my boys stayed in the country of their birth I believe they probably wouldn't have experienced the true culture. They would have experienced the culture of the orphanage in which they lived. Orphanage culture. Which, believe me, is much much different than being a part of family in any country. So, to answer my friend's question - I will always worry a little that my children won't feel grounded as they grow. I pray that each of my boys eventually finds the perfect balance between America and the land of their birth. I pray that I can help them bridge the gap between unknown birth family and themselves. I will travel with them to China and Russia, as many times as they wish. I will listen if they come to me one day, upset about being different. I will be OK if they go through a phase of not wanting to embrace these differences. But do I believe they would have been better off staying put? No way. Do I believe that the benefits of gaining a loving family outweigh the repercussions of losing full immersion in their culture? Yes I do. Now I do. And I have to believe that the limited exposure to birth country culture that we can provide our adopted children is at least as much, if not more, than they might have received anyways. It's all about perspective.