can't change the players, so change the game. my new household management system

If you have been reading my blog for a while then you know that I have been on a quest to find the perfect home cleaning system for my family. If you are new around here, you can read about my household migraines  management attempts here.  And here.  And here.  I have yet to find the perfect system for my family, but one thing has become painfully clear. It's not the system that is the problem, it's my family. Those of you living in testosterone filled glass houses know what I am saying. Messy. Clueless. Cupboards always open. Drawers never quite closed all the way. Did I say clueless?

I have also figured something else out along the way. For about a year I have been dealing with wild mood swings. I am 42 years old and have been through two invitro fertilizations, and all that that implies. The drugs, the shots... There is one camp that says these drugs have lasting effects on our hormones, and one that says we are all crazy. (Well, the aforementioned camp does put it a little more nicely...) I firmly believe that these drugs, coupled with my age, are having an affect on my mood. But the weird moods started in Russia, when I was left all alone with my new son. So part of the issue was probably homesickness and missing my number one son. Then there was the whole post adoption depression and the year of attachment behavior issues. There was my leaving corporate America and my husband losing his job. So really, who knows which of the about a million reasons was responsible for my anguish. But I figured it out. Just the other day, it hit me.

I was watching my sweet husband steam mop the kitchen floor and I suddenly realized how relaxed I was. How peaceful. How, dare I say, happy. And I knew. My mood is directly linked to the cleanliness of my kitchen floor.

So great. Now I know. But here's where the other shoe drops. Hormones I can see a doctor for. Getting help from my family to keep our home clean? Not so easy. I have made lists, but no one reads them. (To their credit, only 1.5 of them can really read.) I have posted small lists in each room. I have made hand written lists every day. I have texted and emailed lists. nothing. works. at. all. nothing. I have asked nicely. I have asked sarcastically. I have cried. I have had total melt downs. And I repeat. nothing. works. at. all. sigh.

Figuring out an answer to this problem is important to me. I feel that it is my responsibility to provide a calm and peaceful atmosphere to all those who enter our home. I make sure the entry way lights are on before my husband walks through the door after work. I keep the flame less candles burning on the mantle in the evening, helping to set a calm tone for  before bedtime play. I play quiet music during dinner. Mother of boys, we know the secret. We must let them run and jump and scream and be joyful and messy, but we also must help them find ways to slow down and find their peaceful inner selves. And that goes for myself and my sweet husband as well. We are calmer when the house is pulled together. We are more at peace with each other when we can relax and be together without total chaos going on around us. So believe me when I say that I can't truly emphasis how important this is to me.


I have tried every system I can find, and created a few of my own. And each and every one of them would work  if it were just me. But it's not just me and I have to face the fact that I live with boys. (Does that line remind anyone else of Friends?  Sometimes I feel like crying just like Monica did at the thought  of moving in with a dreaded boy.) But I knew I couldn't keep banging my head against the wall. And I knew that it was my place to teach at least two of my three boys how to be responsible and organized, and, well, clean. I also know that it is just easier if I do everything myself. But here's the thing - I work full time too. I do the laundry and the cooking and the shopping. I manage our schedules and provide a large amount of the taxi driving for the boys. My sweet husband works full time. And then he works some more. And then some more. He takes care of the yard. He does at least 80% of the boys' baths and some of the errands. He is busy too. But at 9:00 at night, after the boys are in bed and the house is quiet, I do not want to be cleaning. To me, that is unacceptable.

Before I quit my job, when Alex first came home, we had help with cleaning our house.  With someone coming in every two weeks to totally clean the entire house I was easily able to keep up with the day to day stuff. And I didn't need any help from my family. But those days are over and now we have two boys and  I need help. I still have my household management binder and I still follow flylady. But that is just for me- I can't expect my boys to have a clue about any of that. So I moved my system to a location they can't miss and I simplified it.

For $15.00 I purchased clear plastic magnetic photo holders- I love these photo holders because they lay very flat on the side of the fridge, which is great for a small space. Six of these fit the space on the side of my fridge nicely. The top row shows our tasks for the day, week, and month.  The bottom row shows my boys helping my family lists. I think it is important to not call these chores. No one likes to do chores. But every child needs to learn the importance of helping his or her family.

The bottom middle photo  holder holds our family fun. This is the list of family activities we plan to do each month or season. I started this a few years back because I found we were missing seasonal activities that we really would have enjoyed. I used to tape this list to my kitchen cupboard but now it has found a home on my household management wall.

A colorful dry erase marker works well to mark off the tasks as they are completed and the frames wipe clean with a damp cloth.  Your lists will be your lists, of course, suited to your family's needs. Check out my lists here. This system is so simple and so easy to make changes to your lists!

Now for the million dollar question. Is it working? Well, we have been using it for about a week, maybe two. And I have been diligent and vocal in checking off the tasks. My sons have jumped on board and are thrilled to be checking items off their list. Their shoes are almost always in the shoe bin by the front door. The big five year old's bed is almost always made. They both LOVE scrubbing their assigned sinks and they fight over the dry erase marker when it's time to check the list. My sweet husband? Not so much, yet. But he is hearing me talk about the lists, he is watching me check items off. The day will come, I know, that he will walk up to the lists, pick a task, and complete it. Just like life, this is a work in progress. But unlike other systems, this one is visable, easily changed, and provides much needed motivation for at least two of my three boys. It's a start...

thinking about getting back on the working mom highwire

My husband has been telling me how supportive he will be when I go back to work. It seems as though he truly understands how important it is for mom to be in the home, with the children. Not in the home cooking dinner while the kids watch tv, not in the home scrubbing toilets while the kids play on the computer. But in the home, with the kids.

But my husband, like me, wants a clean, well organized home. He wants clean clothes in the drawers and a good meal to sit down to at the end of the day. He wants to be able to walk from the living room to the kitchen without impaling his foot on a matchbox car. Add to this list of wants the few things I also need and it appears as though I will be very busy when I go back to work. I need to have a semi- calm morning before going in to work. I need to have lunches packed, all four of them, and school and work bags packed. I need to have the beds made before we leave in the morning and I need to have breakfast cleaned up before we hit the road. I need to have at least a few minutes of peace and quiet to enjoy my coffee, whether that time is found at home or at my desk in a new office somewhere. And I need to have my daily devotional time. Clearly what I will truly need  to do is set the alarm clock to the crack of dawn and drag myself out of bed before the family wakes up. Which isn't going to be that easy; the tiny toddler wakes up at the slightest noise, demanding to get out of his crib. My morning quiet time is going to have to include unplugging the baby monitor and creeping around the house like a mouse but I'll do it. It's that important to me...

OK, so I know what I need. I know what my husband needs. I know what my boys need. What I didn't know was how I was going to meet all of these needs. But my husband has repeatedly told me that it will all work out. That he will pitch in. Which got me thinking about my daily zone cleaning. If my helpful husband were to open our Family Control Journal he would see that Monday's zone is the upstairs bedrooms. But that is where the instructions in the journal end. He would have no clue what cleaning those rooms inlcudes. So I am changing my zones. Instead of simple daily zones, I will now have assigned tasks inside each daily zone. Sounds like micro managing, I know. But come on, you all have husbands. You understand.

So stay tuned. A new and updated Family Journal is to come. And hopefully I'll be back at work soon and will be able to report how it is all working out.

my family control journal

Recently I have had a few people ask me about my household organization plan. While I didn't invent the organizational wheel, so to speak, I have refined it to suit my family's needs. It works for me, on most days. Other days, not so much. I have my moments, of course. My house is frequently in clutter chaos, but the good news is that by using my system it doesn't take long to get everything back in control. I never feel as though things are "too far gone"- a sentiment I hear all too often from my friends.

I used to feel that way too, especially when I was working and gone from the house for hours, sometimes days, at a time. So I did something about it. And then I started blogging about it, and then people started asking me about it. So now I have added my family journal to my blog. Check out the "family journal" tab at the top to read about my household journal. Just promise me that if you decide to create a journal for your family you will make it your own. use my ideas, that is fine with me. But create the household management system that works for you and your family. Give yourself more time!