Positive Parenting- Day 1- a smooth morning for all

Day 1 of Positive Parenting. Don't worry, I don't plan to post every day! But this morning was, wait for it.... AWESOME!  We don't have major problems around here discipline wise but mornings have not been going well since we added the tiny toddler to the mix. Prior to our return from Russia my big five year old pretty much had me to himself every morning. Once he started having to share me he became a loud whining time sucking machine. (But he is my loud whining time sucking machine and I love him!)

So yesterday I listened to the online class on morning routines. Most of Amy's suggestions and techniques we were already using but I still found myself nagging and reminding constantly. My frustration would start to show, which would wind up the tiny toddler and increase the whining in the five year old. Every morning my big five year old would:

• whine about having to get out bed
• need help getting dressed
• need help putting on his shoes and socks
• whine about having to brush his teeth before watching TV
• whine about having to eat breakfast before watching TV
• tell me "nothing sounds good" for breakfast and whine about that for a while
• stomp around at least  twice a morning
• cry at least twice a week

And every morning the tiny toddler would:

• ask for a specific food item and then scream when it was handed to him
• take shoes off and throw them
• whine

And every morning my sweet husband and I would:

• let our frustration show in our body language and voices
• not have any time to really talk
• not get to sit at the table together (this is VERY important to both of us.)
• get annoyed with each other when the boys weren't ready to go on time
• often apologize to each other over the phone when my sweet husband would call from his office to tell me the boys got into school OK.

Basically, the job got done. Everyone got dressed, fed, and out the door. But it certainly wasn't pleasant and it often didn't set the tone I want to start my family's day. So I started the online class and was reminded of something. Prior to the tiny toddler coming home my big five year old and I would often have enough time in the morning to snuggle on the sofa, first thing. Now if you know me well you know that both of my boys get a lot of one on one time with Mommy. We have been having Mommy & Matthew time for years, and now we have Alex & Mommy time too. But even with all of this one on one time it was clear that my big five year old felt like he was missing something. After reviewing the obvious culprit I determined that my kids were getting enough sleep at night. The tiny toddler is getting between 10 and 10 1/2 hours of sleep a night and the big five year old gets about 9 1/2 hours of sleep every night. They both still nap for two hours every day at school. So they are well rested.

Today I set my alarm for 20 minutes early, dragged myself out of bed and headed to the big five year old's room. I woke him up and asked him if he wanted to snuggle and read a few books before we woke up his little brother. The smile on his sleepy little face was enough to power me through the rest of my day! We sat down in his big chair and I explained that we were having some Matthew & Mommy time and after that he would need to finish all of his morning tasks before we watched TV. Then it happened.

We read one book and he jumped down off my lap and said, "If I get dressed now can we still read the other book?" With only a little help he got dressed and we read another book. He then asked if he could watch TV because he was dressed. I reminded him that he had to eat breakfast, put on his socks and shoes and brush his teeth first. He then ran to the bathroom to brush his teeth while I got his little brother out of the crib. By the time I had the tiny toddler half dressed he showed up in the room telling me he was going downstairs to get his shoes so that he could put them on now and be "even more ready". My big five year NEVER goes downstairs by himself if the lights are off- NEVER. But this morning he did. By the time I had his brother dressed he was back upstairs, socks and shoes on. He put them on all by himself. Which doesn't sound like much but is HUGE in my world.

He decided on his breakfast before we even got to the kitchen and I was super surprised when the three of us arrived downstairs to see that we were actually ahead of schedule. Both boys sat at the table, ate breakfast and then moved their show to the living room for more TV time than they usually have time to watch. No whining. No reminders. No crying. No stomping around. No tense husband/wife moments.

We even  had enough time to dance around the living room for a few minutes before "packing the car" - what my sweet husband calls loading the boys into the car.

So here's the thing. I am a well trained sales professional and I am good at my job. I know that there are certain ways to say things to a client to help you get the "Yes" response you want. I would never talk to my clients the way I sometimes talk to my boys. Even when I had a large number of associates reporting to me I would never have managed them by ordering them around and nagging. So why was I doing this with my boys?

Two simple changes- 10 minutes of Mommy & Matthew time at the time of day my son needs it most and a change from nagging to "when/then" statements and our morning was a breeze!

Woody & Buzz are weeping in his underwear drawer while I do ALL the work

This morning I hopped out of bed, brushed my teeth and put my glasses on and headed over to the big four and a half year old's bedroom to get him ready for school. (we call day care "school" in our house.) Every morning we follow the same routine; I rummage through the t-shirt drawer pulling out shirt after shirt while my child lays in bed like a little prince turning each selection down. Eventually I say "pick one. NOW." Sometimes I say "You're wearing THIS ONE." We then complete this same silly dance for shorts and, believe it or not, underwear. It's underwear, dude. JUST. PICK. A. PAIR. Suddenly he won't wear any of his underwear that doesn't advertise the Cars franchise. I think I heard Woody and Buzz weeping quietly in the underwear drawer the other day...

I then haul him out of bed, literally. I pick up all 38 pounds of him, stand him upright in front of me, and help him get dressed. That's right, I admit it. I help my big four and a half year old get dressed every day.  Now I know he can do this himself. On days that he wakes up before we do he always gets dressed before leaving his room. After church he can't wait to run upstairs and change his clothes. So he is capable of getting dressed without my help. But this time we have spent together every school morning has been special to both of us. I enjoy this Matthew & Mommy time, and I know that Matthew enjoys it also. But lately it hasn't been as much fun, for me at least. The fight over what to wear, the fight to get him out of bed, all while his little brother is calling to me from his crib down the hall... it's adding stress to our house in the mornings that we just don't need. I'm sad to say it, but my big four and a half year old is going to have to start dressing himself. And he is not going to be happy about it. But I have a plan...

Tomorrow morning I am going to take a photo of him completing his morning routine. I'll get one of him dressing, one of his breakfast. I'll take a picture of him brushing his teeth with his new "big boy" toothpaste, which he hates, (he loves brushing his teeth, it is the new toothpaste he hates.) I'll snap a photo of him putting on his shoes and walking out of the front door carrying his lunch box and bag. (something else he doesn't like to do and has now learned that little brother will carry things for him.) Then I'll make a little book for him- I'm thinking of putting the pictures on a big ring so he can easily flip through them. That is step one.

Step two: he will now have to decide what to wear the night before so we can lay it out on his chair. Sounds easy, but for some reason I feel this is going to be a difficult step, like I'll just be replacing my morning frustration over pulling every shirt out of the drawer with a new evening frustration of pulling every shirt out of the drawer.

No matter what else he might eat for breakfast my big four and a half year old almost always eats a granola bar every morning. So I will lay one out on the kitchen table the night before and if he is dressed and ready before I am done with his brother he can go downstairs on his own and start his breakfast. He is not allowed to go downstairs alone in the morning so I am hoping this will be a big enough draw for him to want to get dressed on his own.

 Thank goodness I work from home most days. If I had to get dressed and pulled together enough to leave the house in the morning and head to an office I would have to be getting out of bed at the crack of dawn. And that is just not going to happen. I can see the writing on the wall. If I don't get a handle on this now then I might be helping my high schooler get dressed every morning. or worse yet, helping two high schoolers get dressed every morning!

It is not going to be easy. My Matthew is a creature of habit and change is not easy for him. He loves his Mommy and Matthew time and he is not going to be pleased that I am now helping his little brother in the morning instead of him. But my 2011 goal was to create a calmer family environment, so it has to be done. Stay tuned...