Our Summer Hit List

My oldest son is pretty excited that school will soon be out. He is not so thrilled about going to daycare every day, even though his new daycare runs their summer program more like a camp than a daycare- he will be super busy doing amazing fun outings all summer long! So while he seems sad and nervous about his summer arrangements, even though he knows many of the kids he will be with every day, he is also busy planning all the fun summer activities he wants us to do as a family. Or, better yet, that he just wants me and him to do- Matthew and Mommy time on steroids.

swimming. splash pad. bike riding. nascar race. (yes, he is thinking big, but it is not out of the question.) cosi. creeking. (I am so no into this one!) ice cream. lots of ice cream. fairs. carnivals. chuck e. cheese. games. games. games. backyard fun. new toys for the backyard fun. His list is endless. Which got me thinking. My super six year old has spent this past school year learning how to be a blessing to others. And now he all about thinking about himself. Planning fun for himself is great. I am glad that he is taking charge of his own fun and not waiting around for others to make his day, so to speak. But I don't want my sweet boy to lose his focus on others.

I see a lot of random acts of kindness around our home. My super six year old quietly helps me out around the house during those moments when his little brother brings me to my knees. He offers hugs and back rubs and lots of snuggles. He clears his dinner dishes and throws away his snack wrappers. He finds quiet ways to keep himself occupied when I am mired in little brother drama. Yes, I am the recipient of a lot of great philanthropic behavior from my oldest son. But I don't really see him thinking of others in the same way. So this summer, I think we will have two lists taped to our fridge.
Our summer "fun" list, and our summer "hit" list. One will be for us- swimming, trips, Popsicles. And the other will be for "hitting" others with our random acts of kindness.

I spent some time thinking about this list, and then asked my boys for their input. I know if I am to get them excited about this then it has to be boy friendly. (Which is why it is our "hit" list  and not our "random acts of kindness" list.)

Our Summer "HIT" List

• gather up old sheets and blankets and donate to local animal shelter. (We have LOTS of sheets and blankets that have been, uh, peed on, more than once. After so many wettings they tend to turn a little yellow. They are clean, but look a little icky. I figure the animals will do their share of peeing, right?)
• pick out canned and boxed foods while shopping and deliver to the food pantry box at church.
• make cookies and deliver to elderly woman who lives across the street. (We don't know her, we have never met her. But I believe she has caregivers coming in every day to assist her and I don't think she gets out much, if at all. This one is a HUGE step out of my comfort zone, but I think it is important for my boys to be a part of an act if kindness like this.)
• drop off boxes of Popsicles to the fire station.
• pray for the injured when we see an ambulance fly by. (We actually already do this, but it is good for this list too!)
• introduce ourselves to a child playing alone at the playground and ask him/her to join in on our fun.
• pay for another smoothie lover's smoothie when we visit our favorite smoothie place.
• write a letter or draw a picture to send to the great aunts.
• be extra sweet to the bus driver driving to the daycare summer camp events. say hello and thank you.
• hold the door at a store or restaurant.
• color summery pictures or create an easy summery craft and deliver to a local assisted living.

I am sure we will add more as the summer wears on, but it's a start. They are small steps, sure. But each act of kindness will move the "me me me" focus a little closer to where it really should be, on others. And in the meantime, maybe my little men will begin to have a better understanding of how their actions affect others, both good and bad.

Raising Gentlemen

The other day my super six year old was at our church's weekly kids program where he made a snack out of pretzels and mini marshmallows. He came home with two baggies of this snack, one for himself, and one for two little girls, a set of twins, at his school. Now, little girls have been crushing on my cutie pie for years now, but he has never really seemed to notice this before. Now, it seems, he has caught on. So now it begins.

I want my  boys to be happy. I want them to make those around them happy. I want them to be good friends to their friends, and then good significant others. Since the addition of our second son I have been thinking about how to raise boys into men a lot more than I used to. With our first son I just sort of figured it would all work out. And it probably would have. But with our youngest son I know that might not be the case. I think about his future and how I want him to be happy in his own skin. I want both my boys to be happy with themselves, and to be confident and strong.  I know the training for this starts young,  and I know I need to:

Teach him to say "hello"... I feel as though I am constantly telling my super six year old to say "hello", or to acknowledge, in some way, that someone is speaking to him. Talking to someone and not getting a reply drives me crazy. I want my boys to understand that respect starts with listening and then responding- showing that you are listening.

Date him...  My super six year old loves his "matthew and mommy time", so convincing him to put on a sweater and nice pants and go out to dinner with me shouldn't be too hard. My husband and I were just talking the other day about how it is time now, he is old enough, for me to start showing my oldest son just what it means to spend time with a friend. We have been having our "matthew and mommy time", and our "alex and mommy time", for some time now, but it has always been on their level. Now my oldest is old enough to push this into other learning opportunities.

Teach him to appreciate a friend's brain and talents... we are more than the size of our bodies or the clothes we wear. "Your friend Spencer is a really good artist", I might say to my oldest son. "Look how good your Daddy is at putting that puzzle together." And don't only appreciate it, but

Speak up and share his good thoughts. "Maggie is really good at running races. She is almost as fast as me!", my super six year shared the other day. "Did you tell her that?" "No."  I know my sons are not going to learn to compliment others on their talents unless I show them. I compliment them all the time, but do they hear me tell others my good thoughts?

Teach him to be kind... I can tease my husband or my sister, sure. But I also need to show kindness to others. Embarrassing others is not the way to make friends, even if it does sometimes make everyone laugh. Everyone except the one being teased, of course.

Teach him compassion... This is especially important for me, because I have a little one who may have a hard time with this as he ages. Not only do I need to show compassion for my boys, but I need to show it towards others, especially strangers, as well. I need to help my boys connect their feelings to words, and help them understand that everyone has these feelings. My boys and I talk a lot about others and how they are feeling, as well as about how each of them are feeling too.

Teach him to be a gentleman... My super six year old will often hold the door for someone as we leave a building. He will occasionally pick up something I have dropped. His helpfulness comes and goes, of course, as I would expect at his age. Boys need to learn to hold doors open. They need to learn to say "please" and "thank you". Especially "thank you". They need to learn to ask an older adult "How are you today?", and to give up their seat to an older person, if seats are scarce. I don't care if you are a friend, a mother, a girlfriend or a teacher of a boy; everyone appreciates boys who are taught to act like gentlemen. Right now we are working on "walking like a gentleman", something I seem to say every day as my boys tumble out of daycare every evening. The good news? My super six year old will usually hold the door open for that mom carrying the baby carrier and trying to hold the hands of two other children. We are getting there...

This is what we feel is important around here. Raising up our boys to be spiritual, compassionate gentlemen, while still allowing them to be all boy. If they want to wrestle with each other in the backyard more power to them. If they want to be killer fast on the football field, great. If my summer vacation revolves around monster truck shows and a NASCAR race, so be it. But while we are on that vacation, while we are at that race or truck show, I expect my boys to be respectful and gentlemanly. After all, didn't they used to say "Gentlemen, start your engines?" It's all a balancing act, this raising boys into men.

and no one cried, not even me

My husband went to the last home game in Cleveland today. As a season ticket holder he is gone many Sundays during football season. In warm weather he takes my big four and a half year old with him but on days like today he goes alone, leaving me home, all day, with two young boys. He called tonight on his way home from the RTA station and asked how my day was going. The tiny toddler was in bed, still awake and chattering away in his crib and the big four and a half year old was watching his nite nite show and having some yogurt. The toys were picked up and the kitchen was clean, including the floor. The laundry was done and our bed was made. Everyone had been fed, bathed, and not only survived the day but actually had fun. So I answered his question of how my day was going by saying, "No one cried. Not even me." He laughed, but he understood.

Sounds crazy, I know. what kind of mother can't handle her two children alone for the day without breaking down into a puddle of tears? Seven months ago I would have never dreamed that tear stained mother would be me. So I was thrilled to be able to tell my husband that today, on the first day of 2012, I did not cry.

Welcome to 2012! I have to say that 2011 was a whirlwind of events that made me feel as though my family was on a roller coaster. A really old roller coaster, one that doesn't have the kind of state of the art safety system the new ones have. The kind that take you to the top of the hill and then push you down with just a loose lap bar holding you in. The kind made of wood that bounce you around and beat you up a little, but yet are thrilling at the same time. Up to the top of that first hill, slowly, slowly- let's adopt another baby! Down to the bottom, hitting hard, being thrown back in the seat - not from that country you won't! Up another hill, excitement growing - let's try this country! And down again, slamming into the bottom - no, not that country either! Home study done - up up up the hill. My mother passed away unexpectedly - back to the bottom. Another long hill to climb - will we get approval on the adoption referral we received? This time the trip to the bottom was slow and not so painful- yes, we can adopt the little boy with the soulful eyes! And the trip up again took longer this time - we're meeting him already! We're bringing him home! And then down again. And again. You get the picture. Call it adjustment issues, call it post adoption depression - who knows. But the first six months home from Russia with our new son was one slam into the bottom of the hill after another.

But 2011 is over now. And I will always remember it fondly, just as we always remember the good and not the bad. Uncle Fred got drunk and threw a punch at his brother in law at the wedding? This I do not remember. The beautiful flowers and great DJ, now that I remember. (And no, I don't have an Uncle Fred and no one was reduced to fist fighting at my wedding. It was a very classy and calm affair.) I will remember 2011 as the year my youngest son joined our family. we saw his picture in January, met him in February, made it official in May and brought him home in June. And then we spent the next six months painfully growing from a family of three into a family of four. And we emerged on the other side, victorious. A happy, somewhat well- adjusted family of four.

I no longer feel bad for the secret feelings I harbored during those six months. Through it all, through every moment where I thought I was most surely going crazy, through every tear that fell from my eyes onto the head of the sweet little boy who would never let me put him down but who yet still managed to be angry a good part of the day,  through it all I knew I loved him. I knew I wanted him. I knew he was mine. I did the right thing for him, albeit sometimes on auto pilot. So I don't feel bad. But I am happy to say goodbye to 2011 and welcome 2012.

This year I will get back to doing what I love the most in this world- creating a warm and loving home and life for my family. I have a new job that allows me to control when and where I work, one that allows me to use my abilities without sucking the life from me on a daily basis. I have a renewed spirit. I have good friends, a strong group of women on whom I rely more than they know, I am sure. I already have vacation plans for the summer, for crying out loud. I am totally in control of only what needs to be controlled and able to enjoy the freedom of what doesn't. I am ready for 2012. Bring it.