Happy Family Day- I Can Always Feel the Joy

Happy Family Day little Alexander Artur!

holding my new son for the first time- 21 months old

 

Two years ago today my sweet husband and I stood in a Russian courtroom, surrounded by Russian officials, a Russian Social Worker, a Russian Judge, and our interpreter. We had been told ahead of time that in a Russian court it was customary for the man to do the speaking; I was to keep quiet unless I was directly asked a question. This worried my sweet husband, seeing as I am the talker in the family. But I wasn't worried. When it comes to protecting and standing up for our little family my husband is always spot on and well spoken.

I cannot remember how he answered the questions posed to him but I do remember that just a few questions in our interpreter, Anna, suggested that perhaps "Mrs. Wilkison would like to speak.", suggesting that the judge needed more information. And speak I did.

I told the judge that I loved this tiny little boy. That he had held a special place in my heart since that moment when I first saw him toddling down the long hallway in the orphanage some three months before. I explained that we understood adoption, that we had adopted before, that this little guy had an older brother waiting for him at home. What I didn't say, what I had been instructed not to say was that this tiny almost 2 year old brought me joy. It had been explained to us by our Russian adoption facilitator that there is no Russian translation for the word "Joy". This word would not translate in a way the Russian judge and lawyer would understand. And that gave me a great insight into the country of my youngest son's birth.

So maybe I didn't speak that day about the joy in my heart. But that doesn't mean it wasn't there. And it is still here today.  Two years home already! And he has brought so much joy to me. So much joy. It seems as though sometimes we focus on the struggles. We only see the chaos. We do not take the time to celebrate the successes. We miss the joy. But not today. Today I am thinking only about the joy.

I remember looking down at you, snuggled on my hip in your baby carrier, as we stood on the curb outside the Incheon Airport in Korea, waiting for the hotel bus to pick us up. I remember thinking how surreal that was, me, wearing a baby, dragging a suitcase, alone on a curb in South Korea. I remember surreal, but also remember  joy.

finally coming home- waiting for our plane in South Korea- 24 months old

I remember watching your little body asleep on the floor of the Continental Club at LAX, my body tired as well but unable to sleep. I watched you, thankful you had fallen asleep and I could relax and let my arms, tired from holding you, and my back, weary from wearing you, have a rest. I remember tired, but I also remember joy.

I remember walking off the plane, finally back home, and seeing my oldest son, just four years old, leaping about, trying to climb into my arms. I sat down on a bench, with my husband on my left and my four year old on my right, climbing into my lap, totally squishing his new little brother who was still in the baby carrier strapped to my body. I remember looking down at my new son, clueless to what was going on but not seeming bothered. I felt my husband touching my shoulder as he re-acquainted himself with his new son, who he hadn't seen for two weeks. I re-acquainted myself with my oldest son, who I hadn't seen for four weeks. I remember the joy as I felt the warmth of my growing family around me.

I remember my four year old playing on the floor with his new little brother in those first few days home. Brothers! So much joy.

There have been missteps these past two years. There has been pain and sorrow and longing and not as much peace as I would have liked. But there has also been a new special needs preschool that is helping us figure out how to help our little guy cope and learn. There has been an amazing day care teacher who has worked with us to guide our son. There has been Sunday school teachers and other adults at our church who have stepped up. There have been close friends cheering for me, telling us we are doing OK. There have been in-laws who babysit and give us time to ourselves, and who are making an effort to learn more about early life trauma so they can help even more. There has been so much joy, and this is what we celebrate today, on our son's second Family Day.

brothers, two months home

two months home, checking out a petting zoo

 

We celebrate this path that has made it very clear to me that I need to step up and add my voice to those screaming for adoption reform. We celebrate the broken road my youngest took to get to us because it showed to us what true suffering is. I have seen unexplainable things and I know what life lies ahead for those orphans left behind. And while this is terribly sad and it may be too late for some of them, still I find joy in having found my passion, so to speak. And I will do good with that passion. I will make changes, however small.

We celebrate this path that has taught me how to be a more patient and kind person. We celebrate this path that has made me an advocate for special needs and has taught me how to stand up for my children. We celebrate this path that has shown to me what compassion truly is, and also has shown me that perhaps I could have stood by my friends a little more strongly when they had young children and struggles of their own.

We celebrate every smiley face on the behavior chart from daycare. Every check mark on his chart at home. Every book that he lets me read without wandering away. Every hug that he returns. Every meal that he eats without melting down.

my rock star, two years later!

I feel joy when my son sings with me and when I see him using his imagination to play with his older brother. I feel joy when he tells me he loves me or signs "I love you". I feel joy when he pumps his arm up and down and says, "YES!" because he is super excited or super proud of himself. I feel joy when he spells his name out loud or names colors or numbers. If I remember, if I can push the chaos away. If I choose, I can always feel the joy.

getting to russia

written while in Russia finalizing the adoption of our son...

Getting to Russia was definitely the easiest part of this trip! I got to travel with my husband, which I love. By that I mean I not only love my husband, but I love traveling with him. Despite my missing my Matthew Zhao I have to admit it was nice to walk through the airports at a leisurely pace, without constantly calling out for Matthew to hold my hand or to stay close. You know that feeling of relaxation when you are totally not responsible for another little human? After all, my husband rarely wanders off. Although when we does, he never tells me where he is going, so I am often left standing alone, looking around, wondering where the heck he went.

There were a lot of laughs on the way to Russia. Here are a few of my favorite moments...

• on one of the flights I was happily watching the video, which was, amazingly, built into the headrest of the seat in front of me, when the volume kept getting louder and louder. Alarmed, I looked down at the armrest, where the control panel was. The guy next to me had fallen asleep and his arm was not only increasing the volume pumping through my headphones to a deafening level but he was also somehow managing to zoom my picture in and out. It was like trying to watch TV after taking some bad drugs. I couldn't complain though. Poor guy, he certainly seemed to have a good reason to be so tired. Earlier in the flight he was reviewing notes either from a meeting he had just left or in preparation of  a meeting he was heading to and it sounded like his office was a hot mess. Yes, I read the notes. I couldn't help it. He was holding them way out in front of him so he could read them, so there they were, front and center. Not to gossip, but apparently there has been a lot of fighting in his office since Tim was promoted over Shelly. Shelly has been there longer, but no one likes her. This has led to actual shouting matches in the office, which is making the interns uncomfortable. Poor interns.
• Seeing Spanish Marshall and Lilly in the South Korean airport. Awesome. And if you don't get that reference then you are clearly not watching enough television.
• We knew there was another couple from our adoption agency taking this trip with us, and we knew they would be flying in through South Korea also. Any American on the flight from South Korea to this city in Russia in probably adopting, so everyone is checking each other out, looking for signs, like someone carrying a large envelope of x-rays. Brad was convinced that a couple sitting in the next row of waiting area chairs was our fellow adopters because, get this, they had a box with what looked like the Columbus electric company logo on it. When I asked why they would be bringing a box from the electric company my husband panicked and explained, "They must be bringing electricity." uh, sure.
• I think my favorite part of the trip was my husband noticing the one hole putting green located directly outside the window of the waiting area. What is odd about this is that it is located right on the tarmac, right where the planes are waiting. The even odder thing about it, though, is that we were on the second floor. This putting green was located on the ledge, right outside the window, with no foreseeable way to even climb up there to play. After Brad pointed this out to me I had visions of the plane crashing due to a golf ball being lodged in some important part needed for flying.
• And, of course, the terrifying dog standing guard in the baggage area of the tiny Siberian airport.

sleeping in south korea

This is my fourth visit to Seoul, South Korea and I have yet to leave the airport grounds. One of these days I have got to get back here to visit this city. My entire impression of this city is based soley on three things:

1. Korean Air. The airplanes are clean and the flight attendants are wonderful. They are accomadating and pleasant, and today, traveling with a 24 month old, I really saw how sweet they truly are. Plus, they play nice classical music when you are boarding and when you are waiting to de-plane, which is a soothing touch. Which is needed on these flights because for some reason no one on Asian or Russian flights listens to the pilot when he says STAY SEATED until the seat belt light is turned off. The minute the plane slows down people jump up from their seats and lunge for the overheads. There is a lot of hurry up and wait, I have noticed.  Oh, and they gave Alex this cool little plush Korean Air airplane toy, which he loved!

2. The Incheon International Airport. Except for the fact that it is really really hot inside this airport, I have to say it is very nice. It is easy to navigate, the information desk people are great, and there is a ton of shopping. Plus, this is the airport where my husband spotted the putting green outside a second floor window, on a ledge overlooking the tarmac. Despite the obvious reasons why this might not be the best place to put a putting green (no way to get up there, right over where planes are waiting to take off...), still, it was way cool.

Alex and I also spent some time in the immigration office of this airport today, and everyone was so nice. The officials were unsure of what to do with us, since Alex is a Russian citizen. We Americans do not know how easy we have it when we it comes to international travel. So many other countries need visa's even for an overnight layover. I had checked the rules and contacted the South Korean Consulate for clarification, but our travel plans still threw the officers into somewhat of a very nice, very controlled tizzy. The rules state that a Russian citizen can spend up to 30 days in South Korea without a visa provided he has a ticket, already purchased, to the United States and a visa to get in to the U.S. Alex has both of those, but since we are not heading straight to America tomorrow, we have a layover in Japan, that caused major confusion. But while we waited on comfortable chairs in their nice offices the other officers made funny faces at Alex and someone even got me a glass of water. Which I really wanted but was afraid to drink, seeing as I didn't see where it came from, faucet or bottle.

When they finally cleared us the officer walked us to the baggage area, which was down the stairs, and then even loaded our very heavy suitcase onto a cart for me. My oh my, what people will do for you when you are wearing a baby! Sadly, we are hitting American immigration in L.A., which wasn't so pleasant the last time. Those immigration officers should do some customer service training with the nice people in South Korea!

3. The Hyatt Regency Hotel. This is my fourth stay at this hotel, all one nighters, and the staff here is amazing. The rooms are nice, (someday I will have to tell you abou the bathroom we had during one stay...) and the staff is almost too accomadating. At least, that is what I thought the other times I stayed here. Today, with a very heavy suitcase, a very heavy backpack, an empty carry on (purchased at the Korean airport to fix the heavy backpack problem), and a toddler, I was happy that I could hand off my luggage to the bus driver and not see it again until it found it's way to my room. Although I know I was tired, but I certainly could have pushed the elevator button myself!

The hotel restaurant staff was great, playing with Alex and helping me order for him. He had mashed potatoes and dim sum- he is already fitting in well as a member of our transcultural family!

Alex did great on his first airplane ride. In a move reminiscence of our trip home from China with Matthew Zhao he promptly spilled an entire bowl of cereal, dry, thank goodness, before we even took off. Then he sat on the floor eating it most of the trip. I know, mother of year, but the plane was that clean. Plus, it was either that or listen to him scream, which I don't think our fellow passengers would have liked. Finally he gave up on the cereal and joined me in the seats, ate two bites of his children's meal, which, frankly, looked better than mine, and managed to fall asleep right as the wheels came out to land.

I did have a very weird moment back at the airport while waiting for the hotel shuttle. I suddenly realized that I was standing outside of an airport in South Korea, alone, with a baby. Talk about things you never thought you would be doing...

So the baby is already asleep; it is 11:00 pm "on our bones", as my husband would say. He is having a hard time of it, sleeping, that is, in the little pack and play the hotel has provided. He really moves around a lot, sticking his little arms and legs out of the crib, so the webbed confinement of his current sleeping arrangements are not sitting well with him. A moment ago he sat straight up and looked at me. I stopped typing and was about to get up when he flopped back down, asleep. Poor little guy!