We are nearly nine weeks into our Positive Parenting journey and I am embarrassed to admit that my sweet husband and I have not taken any new classes lately. We do have plans to get back to the classes this week. We may not be learning anything new but we have continued to use the processes with mostly good results. I know this is a journey and not always an immediate solution - we are setting the tone for our family and we are seeing results. Here are two of our recent endeavors...
Two weeks ago my big five year old was starting to bounce around during our donut time before church. We were sitting in the cafe at the church and we were surrounded by other church members and it really was a time for sitting on our bottoms and using our manners. After a few reminders I explained to my oldest son that if he chose to not sit down and use his manners then we would not be able to enjoy a donut before church next week, something he really looks forward to each week. He repeated it back to me and understood the consequence. And then he continued to bounce. So we quietly packed up our show and headed off to Sunday school ten minutes early. And I resisted the urge to say "I told you so". Saying nothing about the behavior, not pointing out what he had lost due to his choices, was very very hard for me! But I did it.
The next Sunday we were on our way out the front door when my big five year old asked if we were having a donut. I explained that we were, in fact, not having a donut that morning and explained why. Pouting ensued and continued most of the way to church. Amazingly, by the time we parked and walked into the church, past the cafe and all the other people enjoying donuts, he was fine. No more pouting, no asking for donuts, nothing. And this past weekend we were back in the cafe before church, enjoying our donuts as a family. And he sat in his chair and used his manners. Now do I think I won't have to do this again? Of course not. But it works, people.
Here is another Positive Parenting success. My big five year old has been doing "chores" for a few years now, long before we started the Positive Parenting classes. We never called them chores- we never really called them anything. Positive Parenting suggests calling them "family contributions", which is a bit much for my young boys. So I now call them "helping the family". And I make sure my big five year old understands that when he puts the clean silverware away or delivers the rolls of toilet paper to each bathroom he is "helping the family". (By the way, having him deliver the toilet paper is a GREAT little job for him. he has to open the large package, count out the rolls, make sure each bathroom gets the same amount of rolls... he is counting, dividing...) This weekend my little man put the silverware away and then asked me for another job. Let that sink in, people. He said to me, "Mommy I want to do more to help the family." I could have cried. Again, I know this is not the end of the story. I know we will still have our moments of whining when asked to help. But we are so on the right track. It is so true. Our kids, they want to help. They want to feel included and important. And I am growing right along with my boys!
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Monday, May 14, 2012
finally normal
My husband and I take turns putting the boys to bed. We each have our different rituals and we feel that the one on one time is as important for the boys as changing it up is for us. While both boys initially pout when they get the news that Mommy will not be putting them to bed, once they are upstairs I can hear the giggles and laughter floating down the stairs as Daddy reads the tiny toddler's books in funny voices or talks football with the big five year old.
Last night was my turn with the tiny toddler. On Friday he turned three years old, and he has been having so much fun with his birthday this year. Last year his birthday fell six days after the Russian court approved our adoption; he had a cake a new toy but he also had two new parents that he wasn't quite sure what to do with. He had a sleep deprived Mommy who was equal parts over the moon at having a new son and sad beyond belief at missing her oldest one. He had a new Daddy he seemed to only enjoy while Mommy was around and who he certainly was not going to allow himself to be left alone with. So last year's birthday was somewhat of a blur. But this year? He totally gets it and he is having a ball.
When my oldest son turned five back in February I filled his room with balloons so that when he woke up there was a sea of colorful balloons to greet him on his special day. I didn't do that with the tiny toddler this year because he still puts everything in his mouth and it just didn't seem safe. Last night both boys and my sweet husband headed upstairs for bed a little early so that we could clean their rooms, something that is normally scheduled for Saturdays but somehow got away from this week. Daddy helped the big five year old and I headed into the tiny toddler's room. We supervised bed sheet changing and toy pick up and then I got the little guy ready for bed. After putting on his jammies we settled into the rocking chair to read books, which is when the big five year old burst into the room carrying three of his surviving birthday balloons. "I want to give these to Alex since he had a birthday." The tiny toddler slid off my lap and immediately began dancing around the room with his new balloons.
As I watched my boys playing together with the balloons I realized how "normal" life had been lately. Friday night we had macaroni and cheese and birthday cake for dinner in honor of the tiny toddler's birthday. His older brother couldn't wait to bring out his presents and sing Happy Birthday. After dinner I watched the boys playing with the new bubble/squirt guns in the back yard. They ran at each other, shooting bubbles up into the air, giggling. Saturday evening we took the boys to a friend's house for a China play group picnic. Both boys played with the other children, bounced in the bounce house, ate hot dogs and generally had a great time. There were no melt downs. No running off. No hitting or throwing things. No screaming and tears. Sunday we took the boys to church, where one went to the nursery and one to Sunday school. We grocery shopped as a family and we all hung out in the living room watching the tiny toddler's newest obsession, Little Einsteins. This may not sound like a big deal to you, but seeing my little guy actually sit down and be able to enjoy and process a television show is a HUGE deal for this family. And then we got to Sunday night, and the balloon dance of joy. And I sat in my grandmother's University of Akron rocking chair and exhaled. We have temper tantrums and melt downs. We have dirt and rocks and we never have matching socks. We have toys everywhere and still occasionally have bored children. We have whining and sticky kitchen floors. We are far from perfect. But we are finally normal.
Last night was my turn with the tiny toddler. On Friday he turned three years old, and he has been having so much fun with his birthday this year. Last year his birthday fell six days after the Russian court approved our adoption; he had a cake a new toy but he also had two new parents that he wasn't quite sure what to do with. He had a sleep deprived Mommy who was equal parts over the moon at having a new son and sad beyond belief at missing her oldest one. He had a new Daddy he seemed to only enjoy while Mommy was around and who he certainly was not going to allow himself to be left alone with. So last year's birthday was somewhat of a blur. But this year? He totally gets it and he is having a ball.
When my oldest son turned five back in February I filled his room with balloons so that when he woke up there was a sea of colorful balloons to greet him on his special day. I didn't do that with the tiny toddler this year because he still puts everything in his mouth and it just didn't seem safe. Last night both boys and my sweet husband headed upstairs for bed a little early so that we could clean their rooms, something that is normally scheduled for Saturdays but somehow got away from this week. Daddy helped the big five year old and I headed into the tiny toddler's room. We supervised bed sheet changing and toy pick up and then I got the little guy ready for bed. After putting on his jammies we settled into the rocking chair to read books, which is when the big five year old burst into the room carrying three of his surviving birthday balloons. "I want to give these to Alex since he had a birthday." The tiny toddler slid off my lap and immediately began dancing around the room with his new balloons.
As I watched my boys playing together with the balloons I realized how "normal" life had been lately. Friday night we had macaroni and cheese and birthday cake for dinner in honor of the tiny toddler's birthday. His older brother couldn't wait to bring out his presents and sing Happy Birthday. After dinner I watched the boys playing with the new bubble/squirt guns in the back yard. They ran at each other, shooting bubbles up into the air, giggling. Saturday evening we took the boys to a friend's house for a China play group picnic. Both boys played with the other children, bounced in the bounce house, ate hot dogs and generally had a great time. There were no melt downs. No running off. No hitting or throwing things. No screaming and tears. Sunday we took the boys to church, where one went to the nursery and one to Sunday school. We grocery shopped as a family and we all hung out in the living room watching the tiny toddler's newest obsession, Little Einsteins. This may not sound like a big deal to you, but seeing my little guy actually sit down and be able to enjoy and process a television show is a HUGE deal for this family. And then we got to Sunday night, and the balloon dance of joy. And I sat in my grandmother's University of Akron rocking chair and exhaled. We have temper tantrums and melt downs. We have dirt and rocks and we never have matching socks. We have toys everywhere and still occasionally have bored children. We have whining and sticky kitchen floors. We are far from perfect. But we are finally normal.
Friday, May 11, 2012
forget the Mommy Wars. this is the only war I am willing to fight for...
The Mommy Wars are driving me crazy. You know what I am talking about. Every few months or so there is a new twist on the same old story. Working Moms battle Stay at Home Moms. Homeschooling Moms rage against Private School Moms. Breastfeeding Moms look down on Bottle Feeding Moms. Breastfeeding Moms fight with each other over where, and how long, to feed their children. Moms who let their babies cry it out are scoffed at by co-sleeping Moms. This Mom inoculates her kids, that one believes that vaccines lead to autism. Crunchy organic Moms simply don't understand busy swing through the McDonald's drive through Moms. The current Mommy War debate is laid out in a recent article in Time magazine about attachment parenting. We all saw the cover photo of the mother breastfeeding her three year old son. Didn't see it yet? Check it out here. Outrageous? Maybe. Do I care? Not at all.
I believe in breastfeeding whenever possible. For however long Mommy and Baby need/want. I believe in vaccinating my children and hope that the other children mine come in contact with every day are similarly protected. I believe in most of the covenants of attachment parenting. I believe in baby wearing, as much as possible. I believe newborns and newly adopted babies should sleep next their parents- maybe not in the same bed, but within touching distance. I believe in using a wrist tether to keep my child close in a crowded public setting, especially newly adopted children who may not understand the language or little ones with hearing difficulties. I believe in a good public school or private school education and would not home school my boys. I let my boys watch TV. I let them play computer games. I let them play with my iPhone. I monitor their activity and time spent on these devices, but I don't ban them in my home. My boys eat candy and cookies. But they also eat fruit and as much organic/locally grown food as possible. I strive to be a good mother. And I am confident that 90% of the mothers out there in the world are also striving to be good at parenting. So let's be honest. I have my beliefs, and you have your beliefs, and I don't look down on your choices and you don't look down on mine. I really don't care about the Mommy Wars. Every mother out there is just doing the best she can, making decisions based on her individual belief system. And I don't care. Work. Stay home. Feed your child chicken nuggets. Sign them up for every class you can find or don't sign them up for a thing. Teach them to swim. Wear them until they are five. (I wore my almost three old just last Sunday, and we both LOVED it.) Let your kid listen to rock music. Keep them in the crib until they are three. (I do that too. My youngest turns three today and we have no plans to move him out of his crib anytime soon.) Breastfeed. Bottle feed. Breastfeed in public. Breastfeed your three year old. Force the potty training at two years old or wait until well after three. (me again...) Let me be clear: I don't care.
Here is what I do care about. The kids without mothers. All of the mothers mentioned above, all of the mothers involved in the Mommy Wars, their kids are fine. Those kids have strong mothers willing to fight for their beliefs. They'll be fine. But what about the 132 million orphans in the world? Who is fighting a war for them?
That is the war I will fight. I don't care about the Mommy Wars, but I will support organizations that support the orphans. I will talk to as many people as I can about adoption. I will fund raise. I will continue to worry about a society that puts more time on discussing breastfeeding versus bottle feeding than on helping orphaned children. The number of children living in orphanages seems to be a moving target and difficult to nail down, but most experts would place the number at around 132 million. 132 million, people. That is 132 million babies and kids who wouldn't care if their mother chose to vaccinate or not. 132 million babies and kids who wouldn't mind if they went to a a large public school or learned at the hands of their mother around the kitchen table. 132 million babies and kids who don't care about the Mommy Wars. They are fighting their own war, and they need our care, concern, and loud voices more than anyone involved in the Mommy Wars. So I don't care about the Mommy Wars. When it comes to babies and mothers, helping those 132 million is the only war I am willing to fight.
how to help:
show hope
half the sky
friend of russian orphans
these are just a few of the organizations out there dedicated to adoption and orphan aid. these organizations are not endorsed by www.myinconceivablefamily.blogspot.com. they are for informational purposes only. please do your due diligence and support the causes you believe in!
I believe in breastfeeding whenever possible. For however long Mommy and Baby need/want. I believe in vaccinating my children and hope that the other children mine come in contact with every day are similarly protected. I believe in most of the covenants of attachment parenting. I believe in baby wearing, as much as possible. I believe newborns and newly adopted babies should sleep next their parents- maybe not in the same bed, but within touching distance. I believe in using a wrist tether to keep my child close in a crowded public setting, especially newly adopted children who may not understand the language or little ones with hearing difficulties. I believe in a good public school or private school education and would not home school my boys. I let my boys watch TV. I let them play computer games. I let them play with my iPhone. I monitor their activity and time spent on these devices, but I don't ban them in my home. My boys eat candy and cookies. But they also eat fruit and as much organic/locally grown food as possible. I strive to be a good mother. And I am confident that 90% of the mothers out there in the world are also striving to be good at parenting. So let's be honest. I have my beliefs, and you have your beliefs, and I don't look down on your choices and you don't look down on mine. I really don't care about the Mommy Wars. Every mother out there is just doing the best she can, making decisions based on her individual belief system. And I don't care. Work. Stay home. Feed your child chicken nuggets. Sign them up for every class you can find or don't sign them up for a thing. Teach them to swim. Wear them until they are five. (I wore my almost three old just last Sunday, and we both LOVED it.) Let your kid listen to rock music. Keep them in the crib until they are three. (I do that too. My youngest turns three today and we have no plans to move him out of his crib anytime soon.) Breastfeed. Bottle feed. Breastfeed in public. Breastfeed your three year old. Force the potty training at two years old or wait until well after three. (me again...) Let me be clear: I don't care.
Here is what I do care about. The kids without mothers. All of the mothers mentioned above, all of the mothers involved in the Mommy Wars, their kids are fine. Those kids have strong mothers willing to fight for their beliefs. They'll be fine. But what about the 132 million orphans in the world? Who is fighting a war for them?
That is the war I will fight. I don't care about the Mommy Wars, but I will support organizations that support the orphans. I will talk to as many people as I can about adoption. I will fund raise. I will continue to worry about a society that puts more time on discussing breastfeeding versus bottle feeding than on helping orphaned children. The number of children living in orphanages seems to be a moving target and difficult to nail down, but most experts would place the number at around 132 million. 132 million, people. That is 132 million babies and kids who wouldn't care if their mother chose to vaccinate or not. 132 million babies and kids who wouldn't mind if they went to a a large public school or learned at the hands of their mother around the kitchen table. 132 million babies and kids who don't care about the Mommy Wars. They are fighting their own war, and they need our care, concern, and loud voices more than anyone involved in the Mommy Wars. So I don't care about the Mommy Wars. When it comes to babies and mothers, helping those 132 million is the only war I am willing to fight.
how to help:
show hope
half the sky
friend of russian orphans
these are just a few of the organizations out there dedicated to adoption and orphan aid. these organizations are not endorsed by www.myinconceivablefamily.blogspot.com. they are for informational purposes only. please do your due diligence and support the causes you believe in!
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