Showing posts with label teaching boys to be men. Show all posts
Showing posts with label teaching boys to be men. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Courage, Integrity, Grace, Beat Myself Up, Repeat...
"Be a leader, Zhao", I said to my super six year old as he hopped out of the car. "Help the younger kids learn to play like you do. The coach is in charge!". This is my standard speech, spoken every Wednesday night and Sunday afternoon as my oldest son heads out to his flag football practices and games. My boy is just now learning what it means to be a leader. He has read about the Bible's leaders, in school and church, at home. He has read about football hero's who have given of their time and resources to help others. He has learned of past president's and politicians who have led our country, his country, with grace. He has watched his father lead our family and is learning money management, chivalry, and quiet love at his knee. But he is just now learning how to lead.
A few weeks ago my sweet boy had a rough day at school, complete with an email from the principal. While the stories differ, with my young son adamantly stating that he was not the "instigator", one thing is clear. Whatever happened in that first grade bathroom that day, my son did not lead. He either bullied or he followed. But he did not lead. And that's OK. He isn't always going to get it right.
A conversation about integrity followed that email from the principal. doing the right thing even when no one is watching is hard for a six year old. It's hard for me, sometimes. Sometimes, when I am alone with my youngest son and I feel myself splitting in two from his constant "I love you, I hate you" antics, I must remind myself, "Act as though others are watching." Not because I would do something harmful. Certainly not. But I might be a little too harsh. I might not give grace as much as my little guy needs me to. I might give up. But knowing that others are watching my actions, I would push through and just do whatever it was that needed done. So even now, at 43 years old, I sometimes have to remind myself of the integrity I wish to walk through life carrying like a badge of honor.
Earlier this evening I watched my super six year old practice his football moves. I watched him roll around in the grass and run into the woods, when he should have been paying attention to the coach. I watched him reach out to his team mates and help them up off the ground after a play knocked them down. I watched him run the length of the field next to a team mate who had the ball, cheering him on. I watched him patting his friends on the back and gently helping them click their flags back in to their belt. I watched him knock another boy down and attempt to sit on him. This leadership thing, this integrity thing- it's kinda hard to nail down at times.
When practice ended and it was time to head over to the main building for youth group my son handed me his water bottle and politely informed me that he would carry my chair to the car. Chivalry in action! As we entered the church he ran ahead, letting the door slam nearly in my face. A few minutes ago, as I sit here in the church cafe writing this, my super six year just ran past me with his fellow first grade friends, heading to the large indoor play area. He didn't see me sitting here, but I saw him. I saw him think about tripping the boy in front of him and then pulling his foot back at the last minute. Integrity. I saw him hold the door to the play area open for the little girl in front of him. Chivalry. Every so often I see the blur of my black haired son in his bright orange shirt race past the window. All boy.
Last week I stood up to a bully of my own, one who was disparaging my adopted children, and myself. I pointed out how he was furthering racial stereotypes and how he was just plain wrong. That is not me. It took courage to stand up and speak. But my kids need to know that I will always have their back. So I summoned my courage and I spoke my mind. Put me in front of a room full of people and ask me to speak, I am fine. No courage needed. Ask me to stand up to one large and unruly man and I need courage. Ask me to summon the strength to get through another bedtime with my sensory issues child and I need courage.
Both my boys and I are learning and growing together. I am learning integrity in all new ways. I am learning what grace really means. I am learning courage. And most importantly, I am learning that courage can be quiet. It can be roaring and amazing and it can take on the world and change hearts and countries. But it can also be quiet. It can be as simple as my thought at the end of the day, as I lay in bed and count the triumphs or beat myself up over the failures, that, with courage, I will try it all again tomorrow.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Our Top Five Life's Lessons- Instilling Integrity In My Kids
My oldest son always seems to wait until the worst time possible to ask for "stuff". Like when we are trying to get our shoes on and get out of the house. Or when I am herding his little brother up to bed. Many, oh so many, times, these requests of me come while their other parent is in the room. Seriously kids, go ask your dad!
Last night, just as I was heading upstairs with the persevering preschooler, my super six year old made his nightly request for dessert. Our home is full of fresh fruit, fruit snacks, yogurt, and graham crackers. My boys want for nothing when it comes to their food choices. Well, except for one thing- candy. I swear, candy is like crack to my oldest son. He seems to crave it, and, at times, can think of nothing else.
"No candy tonight.", I tell him. "How about a Popsicle?", he counters. I agree, remind him to sit at the table to eat it, and dash for the stairs before my youngest son figures out that we even have Popsicles in the house and starts demanding one for himself. He is all about the lack of equality around here.
Forty-five minutes later I call my oldest son up to bed. I go into his room and sink down into the comfy recliner we bought when he was a baby. I love this chair. Not only is it comfortable, but it holds so many sweet memories of a simpler time, a time of baby bibs, bottles, and warm fuzzy blankets. I close my eyes and let the memories wash over me.
My walk down memory lane is shattered by the arrival of my six year old. Suddenly he is standing in front of me, all arms and legs and sticky fingers. And he has a sucker in his mouth. Wait, what?
"Did Daddy tell you you could have that sucker?", I ask, already pretty sure of the answer.
"No."
"Did you also have a Popsicle?", I ask, also pretty sure of this answer as well.
As I suspected, my oldest son did have a Popsicle. And, no, Daddy did not tell him he could have the sucker. Daddy didn't know he had climbed up and served himself the candy I had previously told him he could not have.
"Come here.", I call my young son into my lap. He smiles, thinking he has gotten away with this great sucker escapade. "Do you know what integrity means?", I ask. He does not. So we discuss.
"Being a big kid means being responsible for yourself, all the time. It means doing the right thing, making the right choices, even if no one is watching you. Do you understand that?"
We talk about it some more and I give him some examples. I quiz him and give him scenarios, asking him what choices he would make. I explain how he is starting to have more independence- he likes to sit in the waiting chairs at daycare, up front by the doors and the desk, when I drop off his little brother. I explained how I need to be comfortable that he will stay in those chairs, instead of wandering through the school or back outside. He likes to get his own ketchup and napkins when we eat at fast food restaurants and he likes to use the men's room in public, a place I certainly can't follow him! We talked about how growing up means having to sometimes make decisions that we don't really like, like when not to climb on the kitchen counter to get candy. This is hard stuff to teach. We make these kinds of decisions every day, right? But so often, our kids don't see us doing it.
I want both of my boys to grow up to be gentlemen. I want them to be all boy- rocks and dirt and running absolutely everywhere. I want them to be football and bugs. But I also want them to be well rounded. To be violins and piano and art and books. I want them to be men who know it is OK to be gentle and considerate. This is truly the hard stuff to teach.
Here is what I am currently working on with my boys:
So what are you currently working on with your kids?
Last night, just as I was heading upstairs with the persevering preschooler, my super six year old made his nightly request for dessert. Our home is full of fresh fruit, fruit snacks, yogurt, and graham crackers. My boys want for nothing when it comes to their food choices. Well, except for one thing- candy. I swear, candy is like crack to my oldest son. He seems to crave it, and, at times, can think of nothing else.
"No candy tonight.", I tell him. "How about a Popsicle?", he counters. I agree, remind him to sit at the table to eat it, and dash for the stairs before my youngest son figures out that we even have Popsicles in the house and starts demanding one for himself. He is all about the lack of equality around here.
Forty-five minutes later I call my oldest son up to bed. I go into his room and sink down into the comfy recliner we bought when he was a baby. I love this chair. Not only is it comfortable, but it holds so many sweet memories of a simpler time, a time of baby bibs, bottles, and warm fuzzy blankets. I close my eyes and let the memories wash over me.
My walk down memory lane is shattered by the arrival of my six year old. Suddenly he is standing in front of me, all arms and legs and sticky fingers. And he has a sucker in his mouth. Wait, what?
"Did Daddy tell you you could have that sucker?", I ask, already pretty sure of the answer.
"No."
"Did you also have a Popsicle?", I ask, also pretty sure of this answer as well.
As I suspected, my oldest son did have a Popsicle. And, no, Daddy did not tell him he could have the sucker. Daddy didn't know he had climbed up and served himself the candy I had previously told him he could not have.
"Come here.", I call my young son into my lap. He smiles, thinking he has gotten away with this great sucker escapade. "Do you know what integrity means?", I ask. He does not. So we discuss.
"Being a big kid means being responsible for yourself, all the time. It means doing the right thing, making the right choices, even if no one is watching you. Do you understand that?"
We talk about it some more and I give him some examples. I quiz him and give him scenarios, asking him what choices he would make. I explain how he is starting to have more independence- he likes to sit in the waiting chairs at daycare, up front by the doors and the desk, when I drop off his little brother. I explained how I need to be comfortable that he will stay in those chairs, instead of wandering through the school or back outside. He likes to get his own ketchup and napkins when we eat at fast food restaurants and he likes to use the men's room in public, a place I certainly can't follow him! We talked about how growing up means having to sometimes make decisions that we don't really like, like when not to climb on the kitchen counter to get candy. This is hard stuff to teach. We make these kinds of decisions every day, right? But so often, our kids don't see us doing it.
I want both of my boys to grow up to be gentlemen. I want them to be all boy- rocks and dirt and running absolutely everywhere. I want them to be football and bugs. But I also want them to be well rounded. To be violins and piano and art and books. I want them to be men who know it is OK to be gentle and considerate. This is truly the hard stuff to teach.
Here is what I am currently working on with my boys:
- Listen more than we talk. Listen to everyone- our teachers, our church leaders, our friends, our mom and dad. Listen, and then act. Teacher reminds you to raise your hand during morning session? Then act and remember to also raise your hand in the afternoon.
- Do what you know needs to be done. Just do it. Pick up your trash. Clean up your dinner dishes. Help your brother with his shoes. Bring your brother his DS. Pick up that book your friend just dropped and hand that pencil that just rolled off her desk back to your teacher. Pay attention and act.
- Help others who are younger or weaker than you. Don't do for them, unless that is truly called for, but watch over them. This stems from the "ball incident" that happened a while back- you can read about it here. If someone needs something, or if someone is being picked on, act.
- Keep an open heart towards girls, women, and older adults. Hold open doors, carry grocery bags, protect. If a girl, women, or older adult needs your help, act.
- Always be respectful. The other day I was reviewing last week's school work with my super six year old when he voiced concern over a lower than usual grade. He insisted that he had followed the instructions. He genuinely did not understand the grade. It was a great opportunity to speak with him about how to question authority in a truly respectful way. Elders, teachers, those in charge at the moment, act with respect. Friends, siblings, even total strangers, act with respect.
So what are you currently working on with your kids?
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Raising Gentlemen
The other day my super six year old was at our church's weekly kids program where he made a snack out of pretzels and mini marshmallows. He came home with two baggies of this snack, one for himself, and one for two little girls, a set of twins, at his school. Now, little girls have been crushing on my cutie pie for years now, but he has never really seemed to notice this before. Now, it seems, he has caught on. So now it begins.
I want my boys to be happy. I want them to make those around them happy. I want them to be good friends to their friends, and then good significant others. Since the addition of our second son I have been thinking about how to raise boys into men a lot more than I used to. With our first son I just sort of figured it would all work out. And it probably would have. But with our youngest son I know that might not be the case. I think about his future and how I want him to be happy in his own skin. I want both my boys to be happy with themselves, and to be confident and strong. I know the training for this starts young, and I know I need to:
Teach him to say "hello"... I feel as though I am constantly telling my super six year old to say "hello", or to acknowledge, in some way, that someone is speaking to him. Talking to someone and not getting a reply drives me crazy. I want my boys to understand that respect starts with listening and then responding- showing that you are listening.
Date him... My super six year old loves his "matthew and mommy time", so convincing him to put on a sweater and nice pants and go out to dinner with me shouldn't be too hard. My husband and I were just talking the other day about how it is time now, he is old enough, for me to start showing my oldest son just what it means to spend time with a friend. We have been having our "matthew and mommy time", and our "alex and mommy time", for some time now, but it has always been on their level. Now my oldest is old enough to push this into other learning opportunities.
Teach him to appreciate a friend's brain and talents... we are more than the size of our bodies or the clothes we wear. "Your friend Spencer is a really good artist", I might say to my oldest son. "Look how good your Daddy is at putting that puzzle together." And don't only appreciate it, but
Speak up and share his good thoughts. "Maggie is really good at running races. She is almost as fast as me!", my super six year shared the other day. "Did you tell her that?" "No." I know my sons are not going to learn to compliment others on their talents unless I show them. I compliment them all the time, but do they hear me tell others my good thoughts?
Teach him to be kind... I can tease my husband or my sister, sure. But I also need to show kindness to others. Embarrassing others is not the way to make friends, even if it does sometimes make everyone laugh. Everyone except the one being teased, of course.
Teach him compassion... This is especially important for me, because I have a little one who may have a hard time with this as he ages. Not only do I need to show compassion for my boys, but I need to show it towards others, especially strangers, as well. I need to help my boys connect their feelings to words, and help them understand that everyone has these feelings. My boys and I talk a lot about others and how they are feeling, as well as about how each of them are feeling too.
Teach him to be a gentleman... My super six year old will often hold the door for someone as we leave a building. He will occasionally pick up something I have dropped. His helpfulness comes and goes, of course, as I would expect at his age. Boys need to learn to hold doors open. They need to learn to say "please" and "thank you". Especially "thank you". They need to learn to ask an older adult "How are you today?", and to give up their seat to an older person, if seats are scarce. I don't care if you are a friend, a mother, a girlfriend or a teacher of a boy; everyone appreciates boys who are taught to act like gentlemen. Right now we are working on "walking like a gentleman", something I seem to say every day as my boys tumble out of daycare every evening. The good news? My super six year old will usually hold the door open for that mom carrying the baby carrier and trying to hold the hands of two other children. We are getting there...
This is what we feel is important around here. Raising up our boys to be spiritual, compassionate gentlemen, while still allowing them to be all boy. If they want to wrestle with each other in the backyard more power to them. If they want to be killer fast on the football field, great. If my summer vacation revolves around monster truck shows and a NASCAR race, so be it. But while we are on that vacation, while we are at that race or truck show, I expect my boys to be respectful and gentlemanly. After all, didn't they used to say "Gentlemen, start your engines?" It's all a balancing act, this raising boys into men.
I want my boys to be happy. I want them to make those around them happy. I want them to be good friends to their friends, and then good significant others. Since the addition of our second son I have been thinking about how to raise boys into men a lot more than I used to. With our first son I just sort of figured it would all work out. And it probably would have. But with our youngest son I know that might not be the case. I think about his future and how I want him to be happy in his own skin. I want both my boys to be happy with themselves, and to be confident and strong. I know the training for this starts young, and I know I need to:
Teach him to say "hello"... I feel as though I am constantly telling my super six year old to say "hello", or to acknowledge, in some way, that someone is speaking to him. Talking to someone and not getting a reply drives me crazy. I want my boys to understand that respect starts with listening and then responding- showing that you are listening.
Date him... My super six year old loves his "matthew and mommy time", so convincing him to put on a sweater and nice pants and go out to dinner with me shouldn't be too hard. My husband and I were just talking the other day about how it is time now, he is old enough, for me to start showing my oldest son just what it means to spend time with a friend. We have been having our "matthew and mommy time", and our "alex and mommy time", for some time now, but it has always been on their level. Now my oldest is old enough to push this into other learning opportunities.
Teach him to appreciate a friend's brain and talents... we are more than the size of our bodies or the clothes we wear. "Your friend Spencer is a really good artist", I might say to my oldest son. "Look how good your Daddy is at putting that puzzle together." And don't only appreciate it, but
Speak up and share his good thoughts. "Maggie is really good at running races. She is almost as fast as me!", my super six year shared the other day. "Did you tell her that?" "No." I know my sons are not going to learn to compliment others on their talents unless I show them. I compliment them all the time, but do they hear me tell others my good thoughts?
Teach him to be kind... I can tease my husband or my sister, sure. But I also need to show kindness to others. Embarrassing others is not the way to make friends, even if it does sometimes make everyone laugh. Everyone except the one being teased, of course.
Teach him compassion... This is especially important for me, because I have a little one who may have a hard time with this as he ages. Not only do I need to show compassion for my boys, but I need to show it towards others, especially strangers, as well. I need to help my boys connect their feelings to words, and help them understand that everyone has these feelings. My boys and I talk a lot about others and how they are feeling, as well as about how each of them are feeling too.
Teach him to be a gentleman... My super six year old will often hold the door for someone as we leave a building. He will occasionally pick up something I have dropped. His helpfulness comes and goes, of course, as I would expect at his age. Boys need to learn to hold doors open. They need to learn to say "please" and "thank you". Especially "thank you". They need to learn to ask an older adult "How are you today?", and to give up their seat to an older person, if seats are scarce. I don't care if you are a friend, a mother, a girlfriend or a teacher of a boy; everyone appreciates boys who are taught to act like gentlemen. Right now we are working on "walking like a gentleman", something I seem to say every day as my boys tumble out of daycare every evening. The good news? My super six year old will usually hold the door open for that mom carrying the baby carrier and trying to hold the hands of two other children. We are getting there...
This is what we feel is important around here. Raising up our boys to be spiritual, compassionate gentlemen, while still allowing them to be all boy. If they want to wrestle with each other in the backyard more power to them. If they want to be killer fast on the football field, great. If my summer vacation revolves around monster truck shows and a NASCAR race, so be it. But while we are on that vacation, while we are at that race or truck show, I expect my boys to be respectful and gentlemanly. After all, didn't they used to say "Gentlemen, start your engines?" It's all a balancing act, this raising boys into men.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)