can't change the players, so change the game. my new household management system

If you have been reading my blog for a while then you know that I have been on a quest to find the perfect home cleaning system for my family. If you are new around here, you can read about my household migraines  management attempts here.  And here.  And here.  I have yet to find the perfect system for my family, but one thing has become painfully clear. It's not the system that is the problem, it's my family. Those of you living in testosterone filled glass houses know what I am saying. Messy. Clueless. Cupboards always open. Drawers never quite closed all the way. Did I say clueless?

I have also figured something else out along the way. For about a year I have been dealing with wild mood swings. I am 42 years old and have been through two invitro fertilizations, and all that that implies. The drugs, the shots... There is one camp that says these drugs have lasting effects on our hormones, and one that says we are all crazy. (Well, the aforementioned camp does put it a little more nicely...) I firmly believe that these drugs, coupled with my age, are having an affect on my mood. But the weird moods started in Russia, when I was left all alone with my new son. So part of the issue was probably homesickness and missing my number one son. Then there was the whole post adoption depression and the year of attachment behavior issues. There was my leaving corporate America and my husband losing his job. So really, who knows which of the about a million reasons was responsible for my anguish. But I figured it out. Just the other day, it hit me.

I was watching my sweet husband steam mop the kitchen floor and I suddenly realized how relaxed I was. How peaceful. How, dare I say, happy. And I knew. My mood is directly linked to the cleanliness of my kitchen floor.

So great. Now I know. But here's where the other shoe drops. Hormones I can see a doctor for. Getting help from my family to keep our home clean? Not so easy. I have made lists, but no one reads them. (To their credit, only 1.5 of them can really read.) I have posted small lists in each room. I have made hand written lists every day. I have texted and emailed lists. nothing. works. at. all. nothing. I have asked nicely. I have asked sarcastically. I have cried. I have had total melt downs. And I repeat. nothing. works. at. all. sigh.

Figuring out an answer to this problem is important to me. I feel that it is my responsibility to provide a calm and peaceful atmosphere to all those who enter our home. I make sure the entry way lights are on before my husband walks through the door after work. I keep the flame less candles burning on the mantle in the evening, helping to set a calm tone for  before bedtime play. I play quiet music during dinner. Mother of boys, we know the secret. We must let them run and jump and scream and be joyful and messy, but we also must help them find ways to slow down and find their peaceful inner selves. And that goes for myself and my sweet husband as well. We are calmer when the house is pulled together. We are more at peace with each other when we can relax and be together without total chaos going on around us. So believe me when I say that I can't truly emphasis how important this is to me.


I have tried every system I can find, and created a few of my own. And each and every one of them would work  if it were just me. But it's not just me and I have to face the fact that I live with boys. (Does that line remind anyone else of Friends?  Sometimes I feel like crying just like Monica did at the thought  of moving in with a dreaded boy.) But I knew I couldn't keep banging my head against the wall. And I knew that it was my place to teach at least two of my three boys how to be responsible and organized, and, well, clean. I also know that it is just easier if I do everything myself. But here's the thing - I work full time too. I do the laundry and the cooking and the shopping. I manage our schedules and provide a large amount of the taxi driving for the boys. My sweet husband works full time. And then he works some more. And then some more. He takes care of the yard. He does at least 80% of the boys' baths and some of the errands. He is busy too. But at 9:00 at night, after the boys are in bed and the house is quiet, I do not want to be cleaning. To me, that is unacceptable.

Before I quit my job, when Alex first came home, we had help with cleaning our house.  With someone coming in every two weeks to totally clean the entire house I was easily able to keep up with the day to day stuff. And I didn't need any help from my family. But those days are over and now we have two boys and  I need help. I still have my household management binder and I still follow flylady. But that is just for me- I can't expect my boys to have a clue about any of that. So I moved my system to a location they can't miss and I simplified it.

For $15.00 I purchased clear plastic magnetic photo holders- I love these photo holders because they lay very flat on the side of the fridge, which is great for a small space. Six of these fit the space on the side of my fridge nicely. The top row shows our tasks for the day, week, and month.  The bottom row shows my boys helping my family lists. I think it is important to not call these chores. No one likes to do chores. But every child needs to learn the importance of helping his or her family.

The bottom middle photo  holder holds our family fun. This is the list of family activities we plan to do each month or season. I started this a few years back because I found we were missing seasonal activities that we really would have enjoyed. I used to tape this list to my kitchen cupboard but now it has found a home on my household management wall.

A colorful dry erase marker works well to mark off the tasks as they are completed and the frames wipe clean with a damp cloth.  Your lists will be your lists, of course, suited to your family's needs. Check out my lists here. This system is so simple and so easy to make changes to your lists!

Now for the million dollar question. Is it working? Well, we have been using it for about a week, maybe two. And I have been diligent and vocal in checking off the tasks. My sons have jumped on board and are thrilled to be checking items off their list. Their shoes are almost always in the shoe bin by the front door. The big five year old's bed is almost always made. They both LOVE scrubbing their assigned sinks and they fight over the dry erase marker when it's time to check the list. My sweet husband? Not so much, yet. But he is hearing me talk about the lists, he is watching me check items off. The day will come, I know, that he will walk up to the lists, pick a task, and complete it. Just like life, this is a work in progress. But unlike other systems, this one is visable, easily changed, and provides much needed motivation for at least two of my three boys. It's a start...

I'm frustrated, but thankful for coffee, wine, and that moment right before the sun comes up

These past few weeks have been, well, difficult. And I can't really put my finger on why. The tiny toddler, who seems to swing up and down with his behavior issues, has been swinging down lately. Way down. But I've been through that before. The house has been especially messy and I have been feeling as though no one else who lives here can see that. Again, nothing new. Our schedule has been busy, with trips to Cleveland. Long car trips with little people. Little whiny people. But again, nothing new. Maybe it's my husband being out of work. Maybe it's the plans we have had to put on hold. Maybe it's the seemingly constant day care issues. Maybe I am just now mourning the loss of Desperate Housewives. All I know is  I have spent the past few weeks on an emotional roller coaster and I really don't know why. Maybe I have been ignoring the signs. Maybe my 42 year old hormones are ready for an assist. Who knows, right? All I can say is, these past few weeks have been oh so difficult. And if I knew why, I would FIX IT ALREADY!

So last night I was watching a rerun of The Middle, the one where the mom has had enough of her less than appreciate family and runs off to her mother's house. And I thought, great! Where are the car keys? Only, I don't have a mother's house, anymore. And even if I did, my mother never really was the comforting type. Somehow I would wind up listening to her complain about her life, when clearly I needed someone to listen to me complain about mine. So I went to bed a little sad. My closest friends live two hours away. My sister lives two hours away. My kitchen floor is a mess.

I woke up this morning an hour before the alarm went off, thinking about life. And I made a decision to JUST STOP IT. I got up, found my beloved flip flops, and went downstairs. I made coffee and sat at the kitchen table, during my favorite time of day. When all the boys in my life are sleeping and it is not yet sunny, so the floor looks cleaner and the dust bunnies aren't dancing in the light streaming in the window above the fireplace. I drank my coffee, said a prayer, thought about my life. I checked my email and planned next week's dinners. I emptied the dishwasher and folded some laundry. I set out breakfast for the boys and then I sat there, just drinking coffee and breathing. Coffee that I made myself, instead of the usual way, which is with two little boys sitting on the counter fighting with each other over who is going to push which button while I attempt to keep them from puncturing their hand on the kuerig's sharp needle. What should take 15 seconds takes 5 minutes with their "help". So I drank. And I took deep breaths. And I let. it. go.

This is my world. And here is what I know. for. sure....

• my kitchen floor will always be dirty.
• the three boys living in my home cannot see the dirt/clothes on the floor/toys everywhere.
• I will step on at least 3 matchbox cars a day.
• my husband means it when he says he wants me to constantly tell him what I need him to do. I call it nagging, but he seems to be OK with it, so now I am that wife.
• At any given moment there will be boys sitting, standing, crawling on my kitchen counters. Any attempt to stop them will be met with whining.
• I will read the book about monster trucks at least 1,000 more times.
• Bath time = water absolutely everywhere.
• I will always need to repeat myself.
• I will always need to repeat myself.
• My husband loves me. He drives me totally crazy, sure, but he does love me.
• Every book the tiny toddler owns will always find their way to our bedroom floor.
• Attempting to correct behavior issues happening at daycare, when I am not sure I trust that they are actually happening, requires an extraordinary amount of patience and energy.
• Potty training sucks.
• Parenting an adopted toddler that first year home is WAY harder than bringing home a 14 month old.
• Coffee can solve a multitude of problems.
• Wine can solve everything else.
• Teaching boys, young and old, to respect women is an ongoing lesson.
• If I don't like the way life is going, I can't blame anyone else. I can fix it, or I can let it go.

So I'm back on top. For now. Wish me luck, peeps.

will the two year old use the broom handle as a high jump pole?

As you know, I have returned to my quasi fly lady, semi made up totally by me household planning system. I have to say, I am loving it, and I am loving the fact that my husband loves how clean and pulled together the house has been lately. I do have to say though, if you miss a day of zone cleaning/organizing the work really starts to pile up. So you can imagine how backed up I was after missing, say, six days straight. Last week was the first week of my new part time stay at home mom gig, and I'm not going to lie to you, the week sort of got away from me.

I'm back on track now though. Yesterday I cleaned the master bedroom and both boys rooms, which included running the sweeper. I have to run the sweeper when Alex isn't around because he totally freaks out every time it is turned on. I am not sure where this fear is coming from; he was present in our hotel room daily when housekeeping was cleaning, so it's not like he has never seen, or heard, a sweeper before. He was even OK with it here at home, at first. But now, suddenly, he acts like a dog, screaming and running around while simultaneously trying to climb up my leg.

Today I cleaned both the master bathroom and the boys' bathroom, with Alex's help. Staying on track is a little harder with my tiny toddler around. Today he ran around the upstairs wielding the broom and hitting it on all the closed doors while I both cleaned the bathrooms and prayed that he didn't:
A. knock everything off the top of the dressers with the broom handle.
B. knock the shelf off the wall in the hallway. (the shelf was hung by me, so I'm not all that sure how secure it is up there.)
C. use the broom handle as a high jump pole as he catapults himself over the gate and down the stairs.

Bottom line: may not be perfect, but it's done, and it's getting done again next week so it's all good.

Here's the really cool part though. Every night before I hang out with my husband the toys are picked up, mostly, the kitchen is clean and the laundry is folded. (usually not put away, but that's a goal for another day.) It is really becoming second nature. And it is rubbing off on my family. Yesterday I had to pick up the boys early from daycare, (because one was sick, only he wasn't sick and the teacher didn't even know I had been called. that's right. stay tuned for that story.) The living room was covered from one end to the other with toys, sofa pillows, blankets, sippy cups... the mess had started to creep into the kitchen and I was tripping over mini electric pianos and tiny matchbox cars while trying to cook dinner. I started to sing the "toys away" song and before I knew it my big four and a half year old was on his feet, picking up the toys. I didn't even have to ask him!

After dinner I took my older son to Starbucks for "Mommy and Matthew" time and when we got back there were a few toys back out, from the two year old's play time with Daddy. After bedtime TV show, bath time, (which involved a trash bag to keep the big four and a half year old's splint dry and lots of shushing to keep the two year asleep down the hall), and cleaning up dinner I just left the living room. And this morning my amazing four and a half year old walked into the living room, stated "This room is a mess!" and began picking up the toys! Score!

So I am loving my new system. I have finished my family "control" journal, complete with a our family mission statement, weekly menu's, shopping lists, daily and weekly tasks and zone cleaning. I have also added babysitter notes for the boys and emergency contact information, including medical teams and such. (my older son sees at least five different doctors, so it's not so easy to keep them all straight.) And it is all in a binder with a picture of my boys slid into the front window, so that when it stands up on  my kitchen counter it doubles as a picture frame. Some may think it's silly, but it's the little victories that make our days special, right? For me, it's all about control, and with my control journal at the ready I feel completely in control.

only read if you are as imperfect as I am

This new job I will be starting in September means not only more time to spend with my husband and boys, it also means changes to the family budget. It means more thoughtful grocery shopping, better planning for upcoming events and cleaning my own home. None of this is new to me. Truth be told, the only reason  I stopped doing these things was because of how much time my career was eating up. If I was going to work every day, travel overnight frequently, work weekends and evenings after my son was in bed then I was not going to waste a minute of my free time cleaning. Every moment of that free time went right to my husband and son. And it worked.

Now life is about to change again and I'm pulling out my old planning system to assure that the house, and our lives, stay in order. My system is a mixture of fly lady ,  and franklin covey with my own quirks tossed in for fun and giggles. I have often been asked about this process, which is flattering, yes. So I am going to share it. But before I do each and every one of you has to stand up, raise your right hand and swear that you will not just snag my system. In order for this to really work for you and your family, you have to make it your own. Put your personal stamp on it and off you go! Oh, and you also have to understand, I mean really understand, that my home is not perfect. Right now I am sitting in my kitchen. There is a basket of clean (and folded!) laundry sitting in the living room by the sofa. There are three pairs of little people shoes tossed on the rug by the garage door. There is a little monster truck overturned on the kitchen floor and there is a Lightening McQueen puzzle (all put together by my big four year old!) laying on the other end of the kitchen table. There is laundry sitting in the dryer and toys in the bathtub. And you don't want to even hear about the garage... So repeat after me... beth is not perfect. And to prove it - my four year old showed up at day care today dressed in a black monster truck t-shirt that is at least two sizes too big for him. And I am pretty sure he had peanut butter on his face. (that's my boy!)

To review ; beth is not perfect but has system to keep chaos in some sort of order. This allows beth to breath easily, and relax with loving husband at night in tidy living room with new favorite drink, which I am too embarrassed to tell you about right now. If you agree to all that, then you can read on.

The first step to my process is a family journal. I started with a 1 inch three ring binder and decided that it was too cumbersome and so downsized to the Franklin Covey "classic" size - much more manageable. This book hangs out on my kitchen counter, where I can refer to it frequently. Our family mission statement is front and center on the first page. A calendar sits behind the first tab. This is where I keep track of all family stuff. I tried to blend my work and family schedules once and it was truly an ugly month. Day care outings, church events, play groups, doctors appointments - you know the drill.

The next tab is menus and shopping. Weekly dinner plans and corresponding grocery lists hang out here. These menus and shopping lists are created every Saturday for the upcoming week, since I usually do the grocery shopping on Sundays. For those of you who are already thinking that I am too controlling (and we are only on tab two!), I have to say that while I select a menu for each day I don't always stick to that day when preparing dinner. I know, crazy, right? Sometimes I just throw caution to the wind and make Tuesday's dinner on Monday!

The third tab is weekly chores. This is a really important section as this is what keeps the house clean and orderly. Mainly using the fly lady system I have a morning routine:

• make beds (which is easy these days since the two year sleeps in a crib and the four year old has taken to sleeping backwards and on top of his covers every night- no need to make his bed at all!)
• swish & swipe master bath (straight from fly lady)
• start laundry ( so it never piles up!)
• unload dishwasher

The daily routine also includes a daily home blessing (another fly lady jewel) where I spend less than 10 minutes wandering through the house picking up each room- just the big stuff. On the list is also an evening routine of lunch packing and school bag assembly. The final component to my daily routine is a 15 minute clean in a different zone each day. Again, straight from fly lady. Here are my zones:

Zone 1 - bedrooms and office (dust, vacuum, change sheets)
Zone 2- master bathroom (very easy to complete because of the daily "swish & swipe")
Zone 3- boys bathroom
Zone 4- living room and dining room (dust and vacuum)
Zone 5- kitchen (counter, appliances and floor)
Zone 6- downstairs bathroom

Less than 15 minutes in each zone, one zone a day Monday through Saturday. The key to this is assuring the boys pick up all their toys every day, which we manage to complete about 80% of the time by pitting our four year old against the clock while we entertain the two year old so that he does not go behind his brother and undo all of his hard work by pulling the toys back out. This daily "beat the timer" game is the only way we have found to get the toys off the floor and into the toy box. If he beats the clock he gets to watch his night night show. If not, he goes to bed.

Other tips to keeping the house clean:

• tidy up the boys bathroom while they are in the tub. Wipe down the counter, sink and mirror, swish and swipe the toilet. The boys love to wipe down their tub when they are done. :)
• I use a dish brush that has a well for soap (so it soaps itself) to clean the shower. It hangs in the shower and I quickly clean one shower wall while the conditioner hangs out in my hair.
• Once a week I try to spend 15 minutes de-cluttering a zone. I set the timer so I don't get too involved and clean out a kitchen cupboard or under a sink.

The next tab has the contact info for all of the various doctors my family frequents. There is a tab with info for each child and one for the babysitter. Take out menus round out the back of the book.

This system works really well for my family. I like the small binder because this allows me to add information as needed, like when I have to be out of town and my husband needs to know what goes in the kid's school lunches, or when I am planning an event, such as my youngest son's upcoming baptism and welcome home luncheon. I can toss the binder in the diaper bag or my briefcase if I need to take it with me or I can stuff it into the bookshelf with the cookbooks. My husband can reference it if he needs to start dinner or check the calendar.

The final piece of this system is our individual clipboards. Each family member (minus my husband) has their very own clipboard hanging on the kitchen wall. We have all decorated our own clipboards and each is labeled with our name. This is how I keep the clutter off the kitchen counter. Everything goes on a board - all birthday party invites, play date notes, letters from other day care moms, school fee slips, sports schedules, music class info- you get the idea. the tons of paper we receive in the mail and drag home from day care every day either goes in the bill holder, to a clipboard, or in the trash. Nothing stays on the counter.

So, what systems work to keep the chaos under control in your family? I am always looking for suggestions!