welcome to my adventures in positive parenting!

I think my sweet husband and I are pretty good parents. We roll with the total chaos and try very hard to enjoy every moment of it. Personally, I don't mind the little things. My boys can splash water out of the tub. They can race their very loud trucks around the circle of our downstairs while my sweet husband and I sit at the kitchen table, right on the race track, trying to finish dinner. They can rummage through the junk drawer looking for my Bert's Bees to feed their growing lip balm addiction. My big five year can use his "super powers" to climb up onto the kitchen counter and help himself, and his brother, to candy, or a cookie, or a banana. We change diapers on the sofa and the floor. We change diapers in the way back of our Equinator. (Our Equinox- best. car. ever.) I have even changed diapers on the concrete floor of airport bathrooms in both Hong Kong and South Korea. They can litter the backyard with toys and pick out their own clothes, which means sometimes the big five year old looks as though he was dressed by Helen Keller. Truth be told, I am pretty proud of the way we let our boys be themselves. Family over perfection~ that's my motto.

That all being said, however, there are still countless times that I find myself totally exhausted from the nagging and bargaining it takes to keep this family moving. I hate hate hate giving consequences. Can't we all just get along?

So, take the need to lose the nagging and throw in the behavior issues our tiny toddler presents us with on a daily basis and it was pretty clear- we are good at this parenting thing but we could be better. We needed help!

Which prompted a search of parenting styles/classes that fit our family and our specific needs. As an adoptive parent there is no question that some of my parenting techniques must reflect the special needs adoption brings to the table.  I started with Beyond Consequences because I was hearing a lot about this approach from my Families With Children From China Friends. And it seemed like a good system, albeit maybe a tad pricey. I have heard nothing but good things about the techniques used through Beyond Consequences. This program was created by an adoptive mother who truly understands attachment issues and how early life trauma can lead to very severe behavior problems that affect the entire family. Which is exactly what we were facing, but still, the program sounded a tad too severe for us. We don't have violence in the home, we don't have totally unmanageable children. Now, we might, one day, if we don't get a handle on all this now, have those major problems, but right now our issues are not that drastic and I am not ready to label our family in that way. So I kept looking.

Then I found Positive Parenting Solutions. Yesterday I participated in a free online seminar with this organization and I learned a few things. First of all, I learned that I am not alone. In fact, I learned that there are families out there with far more serious behavior problems than what my two little guys throw at me. I also learned that we need to get a handle on this now, before my boys grow into teenagers. I learned that I was doing a lot right, which was unexpected and very cool. I learned that you don't need to have kids with major behavior issues to want to have a calmer more loving household. I walked away from that seminar more excited about parenting than I have been in a long time. So I jumped in with both feet and signed up for the online classes and resources. I began using just one of the techniques I learned about yesterday with my big five year old during our visit to the library and we managed to have a perfectly pleasant library visit, complete with kiddy computer time, a game of checkers, and books checked out, all with no whining when it was time to end each activity. Score!

Tomorrow morning I plan to start using a few techniques to make our morning routine run a tad more smoothly. Does it make me a nerd that I am so excited about this?  And in my true fashion, I plan to blog about it all the way. What worked, what didn't, what changed my life. So stay tuned, my adventures in positive parenting are just beginning!

my new adoption jewelry wish list

I have a beautiful set of pearls I brought home from China that I only wear on very special occasions. My Big Smart Five Year Old knows these pearls came from China and so every time I wear them he is so very proud. I also have a beautiful silver filigree ball shaped locket that I picked up in China - this I wear often. I used to wear it all the time, until I traveled to Russia. While there I found a lovely yellow and green pendant, so now I have two necklaces to choose from, and two boys who want me to wear "their" necklace all the time. Seriously, they both LOVE my jewelry box so much that I had to move it to the top of the high dresser just so they would leave it alone. And when they see me wearing one of my birth country necklaces they get very excited. Or a little belligerent, depending on which country I am currently supporting. It's sometimes a contest of which country is best around here, and I imagine that it will only get worse before it gets better - when the tiny toddler is old enough to understand exactly what his older brother is talking about then I fear I will be spending a lot of days sporting both necklaces.

To make the competition that much more fun I found these:

Aren't these just the coolest pendants? I can see so many uses... many of my adoptive friends have children from the same country or province- one necklace does the job. Or like in my case- I could easily wear two pendant on one chain, which would be kind of cool. And the possibilities are endless. I see these as adoption jewelry but so many important life events happen around the world- maybe you could celebrate a special trip, where you got married, where your ancestors are from. Really, I just think these necklaces are very cool. I found these on Etsy - go here. At under $11.00 per pendant this is what I am asking my boys to give me for my birthday.

I needed to decompress after a morning at Walmart - and now I'm ready to make my holiday gifts!

I spent the morning at Walmart. And those of you who know me well know how much I dislike Walmart. But the car needed an oil change and my errands list included a birthday present for a baby, so it was just easier to go to the dreaded super giant and knock it all out at once. Besides, who doesn't love killing an hour and  half in a Walmart with a two year old?

Now that two year old is up in his crib, rolling around, making noises like he is going to start calling for me any minute. But I had to take a few minutes and decompress from the morning spent at Walmart. So I sat down at the laptop and planned out the home made gifts I'll be making for Christmas. I planned out the Halloween suckers I'll be making for my big four and a half year old's class party. I even scoped out a cool treat to make for Thanksgiving. I am ready for the season, right down to the card my boys will be making for their day care teachers this Christmas.

Even though I am currently not working outside the home I have this feeling that life is going to be crazier than usual this season. My big four and a half year old has tee ball, china school, and football. I might want him to sing in the church Christmas play. We have our china play group. I have our Families With Children From China  board meetings and my secretarial duties. I am thinking about trying to start a central Ohio chapter of Families for Russian and Ukraine Adoption. Oh, and I might have a job starting soon. So I'm thinking we are about to just explode with busy. Which is why I am planning the same home made gift for many of the people on my holiday gift list. A simple, easy to make, wholesome sugar scrub. The coffee scrub is my favorite - I'll be sure to make a little extra for me. And the memory jar that my oldest son will be making for his grandparents is just too sweet.

So I have made all my plans and I am ready to go. Wanna see more? Click on the red PINTEREST button to the right of this post and check out  my planning boards!

Are you well on your way to your holiday planning?

another year, another moon cake

My sweet little trans cultural family will be heading to an Autumn Moon Festival party tomorrow evening. This is one of my family's favorite events. Last year the night included a dance party sandwiched in between the eating of moon pies and the lantern parade. In honor of this important Chinese holiday I wanted to re post an essay I wrote two years ago about my last minute search for moon pies. While you enjoy reading this I will be off at the party, enjoying keeping track of my big four and a half year old while trying to keep the tiny toddler from climbing too high on the playground equipment and convincing them both to eat dinner as opposed to only eating the grapes while jumping up and down. I don't know why, but my boys spend a lot of their day jumping up and down...



Originally posted in October 2009.

The things we do for our kids. Two months ago I emailed the president of the Columbus chapter of Families With Children From China to voice frustration over our membership dues from last year never being cashed. It is time to pay the dues for this year, and we never officially became members last year. And believe me, we tried. I have never had such a hard time trying to join a group- it was worse than a high school clique! So I say this to the new president, nicely, of course, and the next thing I know I am being invited to attend the next board meeting. Apparently, I was not the only one unhappy. As it turns out, though, I was the only one unhappy who accepted the offer to attend the meeting. Really, people. Don't speak up if you aren't willing to help facilitate the change. Otherwise, you are just complaining. And no one likes a complainer.



















So I attend the board meeting, and I speak up, and before I knew it I was heading up a play group for 2 year olds and offering to purchase moon pies and jasmine tea for an upcoming event. That was a month ago.


















Wednesday I went to Sam's club to buy the moon pies. 100 moon pies. Our membership had expired, so I went straight to the customer service desk to renew it. I waited in line for 15 minutes behind a very tired looking mother of two who were running around the grocery cart in wide circles. So wide, in fact, that I had to repeatedly pull my cart back and out of their way. Oh, and they were screaming at each other as they raced around.


















Finally it is my turn. I whip out my expired card and hand it over to the cashier. Who politely tells me that I don't pay at his desk, instead I simply pay when I check out. "Great", I say, pulling the word out of my mouth slowly. OK, that's 15 minutes of my life I will never get back. I turn my cart around and head into the store, straight for the snack food aisle. I push the cart up and down aisle after aisle, full of nuts and candy and gum and good lord, enough toilet paper for a small army, but I cannot find the moon pies. And I cannot find the jasmine tea. I toy with the idea of waiting in the check out lines anyway so I can renew the membership, but then I come to my senses and head out the door.


















Turns out, the guy standing at the door checking receipts just in case someone decides to stuff 52 rolls of toilet paper under their sweater is unaccustomed to customers leaving the store without making a purchase.


















"I need to see your receipt." (I am not even holding a bag or carrying anything in my arms. Where does he think I stashed my purchase?)


















"I don't have a receipt. I didn't buy anything." I keep walking. He takes a step backwards to keep up with me and stops me.


















"You didn't buy anything? You don't have a receipt?" (They hire the best and brightest, right?)


















"Yes, I did not buy anything."


















I won't bore you with the rest of this conversation, all of which took place with me walking out the door. He actually followed me for a few steps. Are we paying more than we need to for our Sam's Club and Walmart purchases because they have to support this position on their payroll? But that is for another day.


















So that was Wednesday. I got in the car, and I drove home. OK, here is where the story gets weird. I leave my house the next day, Thursday, to go to work, run errands, have dinner with Matthew and Brad, take Matthew to his music class.... not once does the thought of moon pies and jasmine tea enter my brain. Friday arrives. Did I mention that I need these pies by Saturday?


















So I remember halfway through the morning that I need these moon pies. I wonder where I am going to get them. I am picturing myself hitting up every gas station mart in the county, buying 3 moon pies at a time. Oh, and it is pouring down rain. I lament my situation on Facebook and my awesome friends come to rescue. The Wonder Bread outlet store. I would never have thought of that in a million years. Instead, I would have driven to every grocery store in town. I swear there are days when I barely remember those amazing SAT scores....


















I call the store and they do have moon pies. I say I need 100. The voice on the other end of the phone says, and I quote, "Well good lord, ma'am. That can't be good for you." Well no, I would expect not.


















I wrap up my morning of work and leave the house. At the last minute I grab the GPS. I let it lead me through major construction, 1 mosque so busy that there is someone in the middle of the street directing traffic. Mind you, this person was not dressed as a traffic cop. or as any kind of cop. I think it may have been a member of the mosque. I then pass a catholic church with a real cop out front, stopping me once again. I pass a bar in a house. Really. The hand painted sign out front tells me that this bar just opened, and there are curtains in the window acting as a backdrop to the flashing neon "Bud" sign. The upstairs windows are open and I see a headboard. It looks as though either people still live in this bar-house or they recently vacated. I have never seen anything like it.


















I pass the Wonder Bread store because I was still thinking about the bar-house. I turn around, and there it is, like a shining star in front of me. I walk up to the door, feeling quite pleased with myself for averting a moon pies crisis. Then I see it. A sign on the door stating that food stamps are welcome but credit cards are not. Oh, so close. I'm not sure how I feel about this. Should someone paying with food stamps even be buying moon pies?


















Sighing, I head back to the car. I think I was muttering to myself a little.... I program "bank" into the GPS and head back the way I came. I pass the spot where the GPS is saying "You have arrived at your destination", and I look around. No bank. I see a grocery store, but no bank. I turn around and pass it again. No Bank. Seriously, I JUST NEED MOON PIES. Why is this so hard?


















Finally I figure out that the bank is INSIDE the grocery store. (You already figured that out, right?) I get the cash and head back to store, where I find the moon pies and start loading my cart with boxes. At the checkout the cashier screams- yes, screams, for her co-worker. "The moon pie lady is here!" Wow, now I am the "moon pie lady". Cool. The co-worker comes rushing out of the back of the store and practically runs to the counter. Everyone in the store stops and looks at me. Everyone.


















"We have to know why you needed 100 moon pies." Really? If I refuse to tell you will I have to leave empty handed? You HAVE to know?


















I explained the Autumn Moon Festival my family would be attending the next day.


















"So Chinese people celebrate by eating moon pies?" Yes, we ship them over to China by the hundreds. Dear God. I back pedal and explain that no, Chinese people do not celebrate with moon pies. That they, in fact, celebrate with moon cakes, but that our Chinese children, growing up in America, don't often eat moon cakes so they don't always like them. Which is where the moon pies come in. I am not sure they understood, but suddenly I did.


















The trip to Sam's Club, the waiting in line, the road construction, the bank, the questions from the cashiers. A lot to go through for a few moon pies. I probably won't even eat one tomorrow as we hand them out to our children. Our kids will eat these moon pies as they sit and listen to the story of the Autumn Moon Festival and it's meaning in their native country. They will finish them just as the sun goes down and the moon shines brightly in the sky. Those moon pies will just be a memory as our children light their lanterns and walk through the grassy field in the lantern parade that will bring the celebration to a close. It was a lot to go through for 5 minutes of enjoyment sandwiched between story time and a lantern parade. But for those 5 minutes, our children will be so happy. And maybe they will have a better understanding of how their two worlds come together, bumping up against each other every day.

I am so thankful to be a part of a community

There's this woman I know who is feeling totally alone. A busy, burned out, hard working single mother of a girl on the verge of teenage craziness, she is finding that there are very few supportive people in the corners of her life. Unlike me, I thankfully admit. I have loving, supportive people in my corner. In every corner of my life. And it feels good, it really does. And so, naturally, I feel bad for this woman. I do. I really do. So I have been thinking about the supportive people in my life and it got me thinking. It is all about community. And becoming a part of a community takes time. It takes work. It takes the realization that it's not all about you. It takes putting others first, especially your children. It takes faith.

My husband and I used to belong to a small group through our church. We were matched with four other young couples and met at least once a month for three years. About two and a half years in it became painfully clear that this wasn't working for us. We brought our oldest son into our family about a year into joining the group and became the only couple with children. Suddenly we were dealing with baby sitters and issues our fellow small group participants couldn't understand. We found we weren't getting as much out of the bible studies as we should have. We began to dread the get togethers. So we decided, after much thought, to leave the group. That was a while ago, and since then I have realized that it wasn't the small group mentality we didn't like. It wasn't the bible study. It was just that particular group that didn't work for us, even though we liked and respected everyone there. From that small group experience though, we found a few very good friends and many others who would help us in a pinch. We see these people at church, at day care, in the community, at the grocery store... they are  part of our community.

I am a busy woman. I have to feel pretty strongly about something before I get involved. I am quiet by nature and am happiest when at home with my husband and boys. So it was a big step for me to join the board of Central Ohio Families With Children From China. (If you check out the link that's my sweet boy on the front page, on the right, in the Brown's shirt.) But I had to join. I felt that our youngest children from China, and our boys, especially, were under served by this very family friendly group. And I believe that you must be the change you want to see in the world. So I joined the board. I became active. I helped to start a social group for the youngest adoptees. I put mine and others' kids first, and I was the lucky one. The other families in this group - they are a part of our community now.

I have a small handful of close friends from college that are  part of my community. I have my Kent State University Kappa Kappa Psi brothers. We may not chat every day but my brothers will always have my back. They are my community. And it goes on and on.

I find myself getting frustrated sometimes when people feel so alone. Why can't these people see the bigger picture? They feel they don't have the time to join a church, or a club. They think they are the only ones with busy jobs or occasionally wild kids. They live in their cocoon. And when the need a ride because the car broke down, or need a sitter because the kid is sick and that meeting just can't be missed, they have nowhere to turn. Which perpetuates the cycle of feeling alone. I know it's not easy. But break the cycle. Find your community. It takes time. It takes work. it takes putting others, including God, first. But being a part of a community is how we are intended to live. I am so thankful for my community.

replace that toy box with an amp and my living room with a bar and you've got my senior year in college.

Last Saturday we held our annual holiday gathering. We invited the usual suspects, old friends from college, a handful of my marketing cohorts, friends from church. We also invited a few of our new friends from our central ohio families with children from china group. Some old friends couldn't make it, some marketing cohorts had sick little ones, and before you know it we had a brand new party on our hands. Our home was filled with the sounds of children racing up and down the stairs from the toy box in the living room to the toy box in Matthew's room. Christmas music played in the kitchen and parents chatted with each other while keeping watch over little ones. Matthew's play kitchen became a restaurant  with crazy "soup nazi" type servers, cute little girls in party dresses forcing trays of plastic peas and hot dogs on party guests. Actually, one served while the other chased after her shouting that the meal was not yet cooked and must be brought back to the kitchen immediately. His train set appeared and soon one red head and two black haired heads were bent over the track pieces, deep in a discussion of the best way to set it up. Every so often a daddy would jump in with his two cents.
Little cars and trucks were pushed around the kitchen and at one point a full fledged football game appeared to be in process in the living room, with my son pitted against a friend of ours from church. An adult friend of ours... I finally had to hide the football or my little guy never would have let our friend sit down again.
Towards the end of the evening, which was a tad earlier than usual due to the young crowd, I spotted my young son, sporting his KISS t-shirt, standing on top of his toy box with his play microphone up to his mouth, other hand in the air, finger pointed to the sky, yelling "Rock and Roll!" It doesn't seem so long ago that I remember my friend's pulling similar stunts. Replace that toy box with an amp and my living room with a bar and you've got my senior year in college.
I remember parties when I was younger where my guests might spill a little beer on the floor as they partied the night away. This year we had a few minor juice box incidents instead. After the alcoholic soaked party days we moved into the wine and board game phase, which has now been replaced with candy land and uno. I worked my way from kitchen to living room and back throughout the night, stepping over little ones playing on the floor, occasionally stopping to right a toddler or refill a drink. It was a totally different party for us, and I loved every minute of it.