I'm frustrated, but thankful for coffee, wine, and that moment right before the sun comes up

These past few weeks have been, well, difficult. And I can't really put my finger on why. The tiny toddler, who seems to swing up and down with his behavior issues, has been swinging down lately. Way down. But I've been through that before. The house has been especially messy and I have been feeling as though no one else who lives here can see that. Again, nothing new. Our schedule has been busy, with trips to Cleveland. Long car trips with little people. Little whiny people. But again, nothing new. Maybe it's my husband being out of work. Maybe it's the plans we have had to put on hold. Maybe it's the seemingly constant day care issues. Maybe I am just now mourning the loss of Desperate Housewives. All I know is  I have spent the past few weeks on an emotional roller coaster and I really don't know why. Maybe I have been ignoring the signs. Maybe my 42 year old hormones are ready for an assist. Who knows, right? All I can say is, these past few weeks have been oh so difficult. And if I knew why, I would FIX IT ALREADY!

So last night I was watching a rerun of The Middle, the one where the mom has had enough of her less than appreciate family and runs off to her mother's house. And I thought, great! Where are the car keys? Only, I don't have a mother's house, anymore. And even if I did, my mother never really was the comforting type. Somehow I would wind up listening to her complain about her life, when clearly I needed someone to listen to me complain about mine. So I went to bed a little sad. My closest friends live two hours away. My sister lives two hours away. My kitchen floor is a mess.

I woke up this morning an hour before the alarm went off, thinking about life. And I made a decision to JUST STOP IT. I got up, found my beloved flip flops, and went downstairs. I made coffee and sat at the kitchen table, during my favorite time of day. When all the boys in my life are sleeping and it is not yet sunny, so the floor looks cleaner and the dust bunnies aren't dancing in the light streaming in the window above the fireplace. I drank my coffee, said a prayer, thought about my life. I checked my email and planned next week's dinners. I emptied the dishwasher and folded some laundry. I set out breakfast for the boys and then I sat there, just drinking coffee and breathing. Coffee that I made myself, instead of the usual way, which is with two little boys sitting on the counter fighting with each other over who is going to push which button while I attempt to keep them from puncturing their hand on the kuerig's sharp needle. What should take 15 seconds takes 5 minutes with their "help". So I drank. And I took deep breaths. And I let. it. go.

This is my world. And here is what I know. for. sure....

• my kitchen floor will always be dirty.
• the three boys living in my home cannot see the dirt/clothes on the floor/toys everywhere.
• I will step on at least 3 matchbox cars a day.
• my husband means it when he says he wants me to constantly tell him what I need him to do. I call it nagging, but he seems to be OK with it, so now I am that wife.
• At any given moment there will be boys sitting, standing, crawling on my kitchen counters. Any attempt to stop them will be met with whining.
• I will read the book about monster trucks at least 1,000 more times.
• Bath time = water absolutely everywhere.
• I will always need to repeat myself.
• I will always need to repeat myself.
• My husband loves me. He drives me totally crazy, sure, but he does love me.
• Every book the tiny toddler owns will always find their way to our bedroom floor.
• Attempting to correct behavior issues happening at daycare, when I am not sure I trust that they are actually happening, requires an extraordinary amount of patience and energy.
• Potty training sucks.
• Parenting an adopted toddler that first year home is WAY harder than bringing home a 14 month old.
• Coffee can solve a multitude of problems.
• Wine can solve everything else.
• Teaching boys, young and old, to respect women is an ongoing lesson.
• If I don't like the way life is going, I can't blame anyone else. I can fix it, or I can let it go.

So I'm back on top. For now. Wish me luck, peeps.