Monday, February 9, 2009

can't let my passion cloud my vision

My baby is growing up. In my eyes, he is my baby still. In my eyes he still needs his bottles, his pacifiers, his crib. In my eyes he is not ready for potty training. In my eyes he needs to sit in his high chair, not at the table, and he needs his banana cut up; my baby can't hold the banana and eat it. When I look at my son, I see my son. My baby son.

When my husband looks at his son, he sees a little boy. A little guy who can safely play with matchbox cars and can sit at the table to eat his banana. Not just that, but he can sit at that table and eat that banana without Daddy hovering over him, waiting for him to topple out of the grown up chair while choking on the too big bite he just shoveled into his mouth.

So who is right? Certainly my husband is the more reasonable one here. He is not letting his emotions stand in the way of raising his son. But that doesn't make me wrong either, I don't think. Is it wrong to want to hold on to my little baby as long as I possibly can?

We have seen a few people recently who have not seen Matthew since he was about 17 months old. Back then, he was tiny, wearing 12 month old clothes and not able to handle a sippy cup. He stuck close to his mommy and fit perfectly into my arms. Now these people are seeing Matthew again, at 24 months old. Now they see a little boy who is confident enough to run all over the house, coming back to mommy every so often for encouragement and a hug. They see a little guy who can drink out of his cup and who can put the older child puzzles together with no problem. And they all comment. They all say things like "wow, he is so grown up." and "he is no longer a baby." He is still a baby! I want to shout this at them. He is still my baby!

I know that it is a good thing that my son is developing so well. I am proud that he is so smart. I applaud his desire to learn and explore. And I know that all of that comes with a price. The price of growing up. The cost of growing up seems to be charged directly to me though. Does the mother always pay? Do we pay for the loss of our babies? Does every move towards independence cost the mother dearly? Probably.

Of course it is worth it. I have this vision of my son as he grows. Of a boy who is confident, smart, independent. But my passion is this baby. I am already starting to miss my little baby.
I have to be sure that as we continue on this journey I don't let my passion get
in the way of my vision.

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