Monday, January 5, 2009

always something to feel guilty about...

This morning was a good morning. Matthew slept until we were ready to get him up, which is unusual. Funny though. He cries in the middle of the night, like he often does, just a quiet cry, loud enough to wake us up but then he goes right back to sleep. He does this frequently throughout the night, although not as often as he did when he first came home. When he first came home he would scream these blood curdling screams, wailing, and we would rush to his crib, where he was sound asleep. We are not sure if it is an orphanage thing, or an ear thing... But he cries less now, and not so strongly. Which still wakes us up, or me, at least. I lay in bed and think "Oh, Matthew, honey, it's ok. Go back to sleep." But this morning, he was sleeping so soundly that I hated to wake him up.

When he doesn't cry, I should be happy. I can get ready for work in peace, not rushing around trying to brush my teeth while standing in my closet trying to pull together something to wear. But that is not what happens. Instead, I panic a little. Why is he so quiet? Why can't I hear him breathing? Should I check on him? There is always something to feel guilty about, I think. Always something to panic about...

But I held it together, and finished my morning, and then went to wake up my little angel. And he was so well behaved while getting dressed, also unusual. By the time we made it downstairs we were actually ahead of schedule. We all made it out the door on time this morning, on a Monday!

So panic over, for now. Until lunch time, when I will sit at my desk and think about my son eating his lunch, sitting at the little table, in his little chair. Not in a high chair, all strapped in and safe, like he would be at home. Eating his lunch in a room full of toddlers, not with the one on one attention he gets from Mommy at home. So the panic and the guilt will begin again. Did I cut up his food small enough? Should I have taken the fruit out of the cup, because some of the pieces are kind of big... Will his teachers make sure he doesn't choke?

Then lunch passes, and the panic subsides. Until the next thought crosses my mind.... Will something happen because I am not with him? Then I will arrive at the door to his classroom, peeking in through the little window, and watch as he plays with a truck on the colorful carpet. And the door will open and he will run to me, tossing the truck away, yelling "mama" and jumping into my arms. And we will all have survived another day.

1 comment:

  1. I decided to go to the next blog after posting on my blog. Yours came up. It is no coincidence that you follow me. I am sure of that. Our family has been created by adoption. 3 from Korea and 1 domestic. We also have biological kids in our family. It has been a wonderful journey to raise our family. Yesterday, my daughter gave me the book-- the primal wound,understanding the adoped child, by Nancy Newton Verrier. I look forward to reading it.
    This book may answer some questions for you regarding your son. I have a friend who adopted a daughter from Korea that also woke up in the middle of the night with screaming.
    Those of us who adopt all wonder, why? Also, there is a wonderful group of Adult Asian Adoptees of Washington State ( who can give much insight into the experience of being adopted.
    You have a beautiful son and you are a beautiful family.