Thursday, August 26, 2010

some days are better than others

There are days that I feel less extraordinary than others. On my "office" days I spend all day alone, at home, in my office, so I can go for hours, sometimes all day, without seeing another human being. On those days I can trick myself into thinking that I am a little more than ordinary. With no one to compare myself to I can create the feeling of being whoever I want to be. I can be the perfect mom just by managing to get my son out of bed on time in the morning. Without seeing other  marriages out there in the world I can convince myself that I am the perfect wife just by making the bed every day, before my husband gets home from work. By not spending time in one of the senior living communities in my portfolio or with my mother at her assisted living community I can easily convince myself that I am the perfect daughter. After all, Mom's bills are paid and she is safe, right? On those days, when I am alone all day, I can trick myself into feeling extraordinary. Not quite perfect, but better than the average bear. (My dad used to always say that. Better than the average bear. He had a whole arsenal of interesting sayings - I think my favorites are "dumber than a box of rocks", and "it doesn't make my socks go up and down.")

On these days I feel pulled together, useful and energetic and full of that warm feeling of accomplishment. Then there are those other days, those less than extraordinary days. On these days I find it hard not to compare myself to those I see around me, out there in the world. My co-worker who always knows what to say in even the most difficult situation, all while wearing a great outfit and killer shoes. That mom in the grocery store managing to read labels while keeping the baby in the cart occupied and three older kids walking quietly beside her. Are those blue birds dancing about her head? And look, only healthy, organic food in her cart. Her children do not have cookie covered faces and not one of them is whining for a new toy.

It is on these days that I have to reach deep inside myself and find the extraordinary.

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