Friday, April 10, 2009

he is so smart

It feels good to be back here, sitting in my office chair, staring into my computer screen, thinking about writing. I haven't been here in quite a while. Welcome back....

I wonder, often I wonder this, if every woman spends the majority of her waking hours looking for that elusive balance. Career, boss, husband, child, house, me time. I know I am not alone; everyone walks a tightrope of one sort or another. The thing that makes me different, I think, is that I actually enjoy my tightrope. Oh, there are moments when I hate it. Moments when I can hardly think straight, when the dishes in the sink or the dirty kitchen floor creep into my work day thoughts, and moments when anxiety about the new job and all I have to learn creep into bath time with my son. Sure, there is a lot of crossover.

But mostly, I like this tightrope. I think I am going to like this new job. A ton of work, a ton of responsibility, hard and fast deadlines and true consequences. Not at all like my previous job... But, also unlike my previous job, I also seem to be seen as an expert in my field, my opinion seems to carry weight, and my associates and I seem to work as a team. I was a little worried about leaving the not for profit world, and now I am finding that while this organization definitely operates in the for profit world, and acts like a for profit in most every way, that is not a bad thing.

So, my tightrope was really shaky there for a while. It seemed to morph into one of those shaky rope bridges you always see in old movies, hanging over a deep ravine. The kind that doesn't seem "tight" at all, but instead seems to shake with every move, causing each step forward to result in a few small steps backwards to regain your balance. The kind of rickety, swaying, scary bridge that always takes a really long time to cross in the movies, where the audience holds their collective breath until the hero is safely on the other side. I think I am on that other side now, none the worse for wear...

So today is a good day. The systems I have put in place to keep all those balls in the air at the same time seem to be working. The house is clean, the baby is sleeping in his crib, the husband is out driving his mustang during this small window of sun we have going on in the midst of this very rainy day. I have been working in my home office all day, so hopefully my boss and team members are happy also.

I am happy. There was a while there that I thought it would be a long time before I was truly happy again, before all those balls I kept throwing into the air actually stayed there. I anticipated the worst, I worried and complained. I wasted time and energy thinking of reasons why the new job was not going to work for me. And my husband listened and soothed and told me we would get through it. He told me he would do whatever it took to help this transition work for all of us. And what these past few weeks have taught me is that I do not have to be responsible for everything. That I can let some things go, let some things be done by others, and we will not all come unglued.

And you know what? He was right. He is so smart. I should learn to listen to him more often.

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