The Random Respect Challenge

We have had some really great moments since the big move. Our new home is much larger than the old one, so, while we have a few empty rooms, we have space to spread out. And I am not in a huge hurry to fill up all that empty space- the boys are having a great time playing their made up games, like "Bump the Bee", named by my oldest son. This game, like most of their games, involves running at each other at top speed while protecting their little bodies with huge sofa cushions. And no, I do not know why it is named "Bump the Bee". Don't ask. You know the drill- small boys with larger than life imaginations equals totally confused mama. It's the new math, get used to it.

So good days. First grade going well. Pre school going well. Making new friends slow but steady. (For the 7 year old, that is.) Seeing lots of relatives, have plenty of babysitters available... May need knee surgery, but even that will be OK. So many good days. But even with all the good, there has still been some not so good. The daily nagging to get the 7 year old to do his homework. Not so good. The constant attention to the little guy to attempt to stave off meltdowns. Not so good. The daily stuff that makes up life, but is so monotonous. The cleaning, the cooking, the puppy chewing her way through, well, everything. The toys everywhere. The dirty dishes. The normal is great, but it can kind of be a grind, right? And here is the thing. That normal, while it is amazing and awesome and exactly what we all asked for when we signed up for this mommy gig, it can also be exhausting and soul crunching. The lack of respect our children, and sometimes spouses, can so effortlessly display towards us can be astounding. And I know it is not one sided. Do I really do all I can to show respect and love to the boys in my life?

Which brings me to last night, when I couldn't sleep. The house was quiet, everyone was asleep. And I was replaying the most recent dust up between me and my youngest. Parenting the kid you have, not the kid you think you should have- it's tough stuff, isn't it? I bounced from respect to Lent, wondering if I should give something up this year. Would it be helpful to me? Would it help me to feel closer to God? Would it help me on my spiritual journey? Would it be good for my kids to see me do this? What would I give up? The sarcastic person who lives in my head spoke right up. "I know what I'd like to give up- the disrespect of my kids!" I love my sarcastic brain.....

My boys and I have done kindness projects in the past. We have made cookies for firemen. We have mailed notes to cousins. We have donated school supplies. But what about kindness towards each other? An idea was born.

This month, me and my boys will be celebrating Random Respect. The boys and I talked about this project this morning, as we sat around the table finishing up breakfast and putting on coats for the first walk to the bus stop. We brainstormed what we can do to show respect to each other. We discussed how showing respect doesn't always mean blindly following orders. We shared how we feel when others don't show us respect. And then we high fived. (Our kiddo version of a gentleman's handshake.)

Do I think this is going to change everything? No. Do I expect my boys to suddenly be all "yes ma'am" and "no thank you?" Certainly not. Do I think that my boys might benefit from seeing me go out of my way to show more respect to those I love? Yes. Do I think that I might benefit from being a calmer mom? Most definitely.

When my sons are older, what will they remember? What will they be remembered for? Will the straight A's be as important as a kind heart? Will he remember the satisfaction of a job well done or just the nagging it took to get him there? Creating the atmosphere to grow these boys from children to men. That's what really matters.

So let the Random Respect Challenge begin!

Our Top Five Life's Lessons- Instilling Integrity In My Kids

My oldest son always seems to wait until the worst time possible to ask for "stuff". Like when we are trying to get our shoes on and get out of the house. Or when I am herding his little brother up to bed. Many, oh so many, times, these requests of me come while their other parent is in the room.  Seriously kids, go ask your dad! 

Last night, just as I was heading upstairs with the persevering preschooler, my super six year old made his nightly request for dessert. Our home is full of fresh fruit, fruit snacks, yogurt, and graham crackers. My boys want for nothing when it comes to their food choices. Well, except for one thing- candy. I swear, candy is like crack to my oldest son. He seems to crave it, and, at times, can think of nothing else.

"No candy tonight.", I tell him.  "How about a Popsicle?", he counters. I agree, remind him to sit at the table to eat it, and dash for the stairs before my youngest son figures out that we even have Popsicles in the house and starts demanding one for himself. He is all about the lack of equality around here.

Forty-five minutes later I call my oldest son up to bed. I go into his room and sink down into the comfy recliner we bought when he was a baby. I love this chair. Not only is it comfortable, but it holds so many sweet memories of a simpler time, a time of baby bibs, bottles, and warm fuzzy blankets. I close my eyes and let the memories wash over me.

My walk down memory lane is shattered by the arrival of my six year old. Suddenly he is standing in front of me, all arms and legs and sticky fingers. And he has a sucker in his mouth. Wait, what?

"Did Daddy tell you you could have that sucker?", I ask, already pretty sure of the answer.
"No."
"Did you also have a Popsicle?", I ask, also pretty sure of this answer as well.

As I suspected, my oldest son did have a Popsicle. And, no, Daddy did not tell him he could have the sucker. Daddy didn't know he had climbed up and served himself the candy I had previously told him he could not have.

"Come here.", I call my young son into my lap. He smiles, thinking he has gotten away with this great sucker escapade. "Do you know what integrity means?", I ask. He does not. So we discuss.

"Being a big kid means being responsible for yourself, all the time. It means doing the right thing, making the right choices, even if no one is watching you. Do you understand that?"

We talk about it some more and I give him some examples. I quiz him and give him scenarios, asking him what choices he would make. I explain how he is starting to have more independence- he likes to sit in the waiting chairs at daycare, up front by the doors and the desk, when I drop off his little brother. I explained how I need to be comfortable that he will stay in those chairs, instead of wandering through the school or back outside. He likes to get his own ketchup and napkins when we eat at fast food restaurants and he likes to use the men's room in public, a place I certainly can't follow him! We talked about how growing up means having to sometimes make decisions that we don't really like, like when not to climb on the kitchen counter to get candy. This is hard stuff to teach. We make these kinds of decisions every day, right? But so often, our kids don't see us doing it.

I want both of my boys to grow up to be gentlemen. I want them to be all boy- rocks and dirt and running absolutely everywhere. I want them to be football and bugs. But I also want them to be well rounded. To be violins and piano and art and books. I want them to be men who know it is OK to be gentle and considerate. This is truly the hard stuff to teach.

Here is what I am currently working on with my boys:

• Listen more than we talk. Listen to everyone- our teachers, our church leaders, our friends, our mom and dad. Listen, and then act. Teacher reminds you to raise your hand during morning session? Then act and remember to also raise your hand in the afternoon.
• Do what you know needs to be done. Just do it. Pick up your trash. Clean up your dinner dishes. Help your brother with his shoes. Bring your brother his DS. Pick up that book your friend just dropped and hand that pencil that just rolled off her desk back to your teacher. Pay attention and act.
• Help others who are younger or weaker than you. Don't do for them, unless that is truly called for, but watch over them. This stems from the "ball incident" that happened a while back- you can read about it here. If someone needs something, or if someone is being picked on, act.
• Keep an open heart towards girls, women, and older adults. Hold open doors, carry grocery bags, protect.  If a girl, women, or older adult needs your help, act.
• Always be respectful. The other day I was reviewing last week's school work with my super six year old when he voiced concern over a lower than usual grade. He insisted that he had followed the instructions. He genuinely did not understand the grade. It was a great opportunity to speak with him about how to question authority in a truly respectful way. Elders, teachers, those in charge at the moment, act with respect. Friends, siblings, even total strangers, act with respect.

There is so much I want my boys to know. This list could have 100 points on it. 200 maybe. But right now, this is our Top Five. Everything we do, every interaction we have, I try to work in these lessons. And the hardest part might just be working these lessons in to my life as well. I need to act as I want my boys to act. We need to be a family that acts. Whether that be listening to a friend, standing up to a bully, respectfully disagreeing with a teacher, carrying a grocery bag in from the car or picking up trash on a walk in the park. We need to be a family that acts.

So what are you currently working on with your kids?